After further review...

Craig James is a Swarovski-studded rectal tampon. I JUST got to watch the TV version of the game (I was there live. Don’t worry, my Kyle Field experience will be recounted in another post) and this is the first conclusion that I came to upon completing that telecast. Essentially, Craig James...rectal bleeding. Craig, we get it. You hate Texas. You’re an Aggie at heart because your entire family of motor home dwellers once did a bootleg run through College Station and fell in love sword-toting Christian bluegrass fans. The fact that we didn’t bother recruiting your douche-infused son didn’t help our case either. We don’t need your Texas hating bravado being displayed in the telecast so can it moving forward. I’ve already sent ESPN a strongly-worded letter regarding your affiliation with our games. Here’s to hoping we never play the Ags on a Thursday again so we can avoid your toxic presence. On to the game

Defense

Because where else would we start? The offense? Hahahahahaha, please. The Manny marauders were locked in after giving up an initial TD drive that drove fear and doubt into the hearts of all Longhorn fans. I equate this feeling to my mood after being forced to watch the Macy’s parade. I feared for my Longhorns in the same vein as fearing for my country when exposed to this insipid bullshit before I’ve had a lunchtime cocktail.

DBs
Absolutely stellar performance. These guys were on islands for most of the game against one of the best receiving corps in the conference and played lights out. Game balls to Byndom and Diggs with Vaccarro being a close third seeing as he had the hefty role of shutting down Swope. This is no small feat given that crafty white receivers who excel in zone have been the bane of our existence for years. See Welker, Wes amongst many others. Gideon was Gideon but his run support can’t be discounted either. Delayed draws and screens are the frosting that makes the cake in spread formations. Limiting that productivity with intelligent safeties who like to give out concussions is a significant value-add.

Back to the boys on the outside, we have to throw Phillips in the mix given that we ran nickel and dime most of the night. The stress that teams like Aggie can put on DBs is substantial. We’ll see even more of it this weekend and coming into the season, the biggest fear I had was that we had inexperienced players defending receivers in a spread-happy league. Ecstatic isn’t the word for my happiness in this area. Diggs and Byndom are a freshman and a sophomore. Say that to yourself until it makes sense. Now celebrate the fact that we’re getting at least one more season out of these two. I recommend M80s over roman candles. Less grandeur but more bang.

LBs
Man, that got out of hand fast. Keenan killed a guy with a trident.
EACHO has used this season to solidify his all-conference status and to secure a fat paycheck. He also affirmed my love for Nigerians. He is the headiest player on the field and seems to have corrected his Ole approach to tackles on gut runs. Robinson was masterful for the second straight week and his stat line is packed but it doesn’t even scratch the surface of his progression. Our use of KRob as a delayed blitzer and general “f shit up for the QB” type of guy is paying off beautifully. You normally don’t want to dedicate your experienced LBs to that type of role when your DBs lack snaps but we have two veterans in the secondary and young cats who will be rivaling each other for a Thorpe Award next season. Embarrassment of riches, imo. Hicks didn’t get much run given our packages but when he was in the game, he filled his role beautifully. He doesn’t get as much press because he is typically asked to spy more than crash but you’ll notice that it’s rarely his man that is running free on crosses because he is punching them in the spleen off the line.

What we’ve learned is that when Acho is asked to be cerebral and Robinson is allowed to access his inner Ronnie Lott, we’re at a different level than any team in the conference at this position. Both are gone next season. Edmond and others better be taking notes. Manny may stab them with a shiv formed from scotch tape and a toothbrush if they aren’t. Is it racist that I picture him in a blue bandana when he does it?

DL
Also, masterful. After the first drive, the tackles essentially shoved Malena right back up Sherm’s ass and this allowed Okafor and Jeffcoat to simply focus on trying to dismember Tannehill. They were almost successful in that venture. Being there live and sitting only five rows from the field, it was impossible to get an idea of how badly he was taking those shots but the 60” doesn’t lie and it tells me that he was a couple of hits from flat refusing to get up. Ok, Randall, Dorsey, Jcoat, Daniels. All were given the same directive which was to make anyone wearing maroon question their sexual orientation by game’s end. Success! Tannehill is now, apparently, a coke dealing drag queen in Bryan while Matthews has decided to [redacted due to graphic comment that crossed even my own moral threshold] thanks to Okafor [again, redacted, trust me. If you want to know, I can tell you in confidence but you might think less of me].

I’m never that concerned about teams amassing yards against our D. It’s about comfort. Offenses with big play ability will make big plays. It’s going to happen but if those plays are few and far between and are sandwiched around series of offensive pig vomit, then we’re doing our jobs. I am thoroughly impressed with everything this unit is doing right now and the depth that we are creating is setting us up for a very special 2012.

Offense

I don’t think that there really is any need to go into it beyond what has already been written elsewhere and what you saw. Nothing is special right now unless you’re talking about the short bus. In that case, there are several members of this unit that I would recommend for a ride. Not you, Case. This isn’t based on looks. If our two quarterbacking orangutans can avoid giving the ball to the guys in the other colors, we are in a position to win grueling games. When we need a big play throwing the ball, we better pray we make the right read or switch to a trick option that allows a certain receiver to toss the ball downfield to a certain TE.

Gotta hand it to Case for showing the cajones to take off during that last drive though I would have loved to see him slide there rather than go all pinball on me and nearly get the football stripped. His confidence is actually cockiness and that has been under fire throughout the year but it is moments like this one where I want an arrogant guy out there who simply knows he is going to make the necessary play. Vince did it loudly. Colt did it quietly but they both had it.
The rest of the offense played like a bag of prison-raped aholes the rest of the night so I’m not going to go into my frustration over blocking and scheme. Get it together, Harsin.

Special Teams
Thank God I didn’t shoot Tucker with that tranc dart after his third crappy punt, eh? You made up for it, Justin. All is forgiven. That being said, let’s adjust to any potential wind headed into Waco, capeche? If we put the Baylor offense on our own 40 several times, we can expect 6s as opposed to 3s or turnovers.

It’s hard to make this argument but it’s possible that Diggs’ impact has been felt more on ST than on D. The 81 yard return shifted some tide and he is a constant threat to do the same on KOs. We’re a scary team to kick to and that is something we haven’t said in quite some time.

Overall
Like I said, I’ll get to the Kyle Field experience later but I will say that it was an amazing experience to have considering that this is the way this game should have gone down. Both teams beating on each other until the bitter end with one bloodied opponent finally landing the finishing punch on the other. Karma is an angry, nutcracking biatch, Ags. Good riddance. Take your f’ing dog with you.