And…we’re back! Let me begin by apologizing for the absence of GP last season. Yes, we received the emails, the phone calls, the cries for help, and those odd appearances at our front door by several team mascots. A little word of advice: Don’t answer the door if you see a buffalo wearing a gold CU outside your door. It can get a little messy. The Akron Zip- just as weird in person as it is on television. After spending a year in literary hibernation, we know have to win you back in a big way so here goes nothing. Let’s just get started shall we.
When we don the holy grounds of our respective alma maters come this fall, many of us will see new faces carrying clipboards on our sidelines. The never ending game of musical chairs that is the College Football coaching profession ran at the speed of a Metallica’s “Ride the Lightning” and many of the hires made about as much sense as a Lou Holtz rant about Notre Dame. Is he hammered drunk every time he is on screen or is he doing an amazing impression of Sylvester the Cat? I never can tell.
The truth is that there were some great hiring decisions and then others that left us with that look you get when you realize where you left your keys last night after coming home drunk. The microwave? Really? Don’t act like it hasn’t happened.
Best Hire
SMU- June Jones! I am really not sure how SMU talked June into leaving luaus, pig roasts, and Astroturf but they did and this is the best decision the Mustangs have made since deciding to pay Craig James and Eric Dickerson during the ’83 season. Jones will reignite an absolutely dormant program. Wait, dormant isn’t the right word: Forgettable? Absent? How about useless? Well, you get the picture. They won’t be headed to a bowl in the next couple of seasons but don’t be blindsided if there are some huge upsets pulled in Gerald Ford stadium. Are they actually going to have to expand that 32,000 seat stadium? I’m thinking so.
Honorable Mention: It would be a crime not to mention several other huge hires that will make an immediate difference. How about the Duke hire of David Cutcliffe? Can you say springboard job? Can you say, “Duke has football”? I also need to acknowledge the fantastic move by Arkansas (though I hate to). Bobby “Remember me for Louisville, not for the Falcons” Petrino is an excellent hire for Fayetteville. At least for the three years he’ll be there before he skips out on his all-star recruiting class for the next highest paying gig.
Worst Hire
TEXAS A&M- Mike Sherman. This is not a homer call, I am just baffled by this decision. Even Aggie friends (I don’t know why I keep them) of mine are perplexed…and pissed, of course. Who hires the guy who hasn’t watched a college football game in more than a decade? Who hires the guy who hasn’t recruited since 1996 and uses a rotary dial phone to order pizza? I really love this hire because this just means adding to the W column in the overall series against the Collie Worshippers.
The next worst decision is a hire that wasn’t made. Why in the world Washington decided not to fire Tyrone Willingham is beyond me and I think it might even be beyond Ty. Really, the guy is just awful. I’m going to go ahead and start the rumor that Phil Knight is somehow behind this.
Coordinators
Coordinator changes get about as much notice as the Daytime Emmys. Yes, they have those and no, nobody you know cares. However, those of us that are sick in the head about college football pay a great deal of attention to these moves and there are a few that will make an immediate impact on their respective programs.
Charlie Weis made a huge move by bringing in Jon Tenuta from Georgia Tech for the defense. Tenuta is one of the most regaled DC’s in the business and his defenses are well known for flying around the ball which is something that was less than absent at Notre Dame last season. Look for a quick turnaround here.
Texas A&M brought in Joe Kines for the defense which was an unthinkable hire. Apparently, the guy isn’t the best recruiter which is the only reason they really need Sherman. Ole Miss realizes Houston Nutt is just as his name suggests and decided to go big to get Tyrone Nix to come coach the defense.
UCLA gave the middle finger to the school across town by bringing in offensive genius, Norm Chow. Response by his old boss, Pete Carroll: “I still keep a pillow that smells like him.” I end the quote here but it should be noted that a teary-eyed Carroll continued with a hearty rendition of Meatloaf’s, “I would do Anything for Love.”
The most important moves (to me and those who also listen to “Texas Fight!” like it was in the hymnal) were the ones made by Mack Brown to bring in Will Muschamp from Auburn for the stagnant defense and Longhorn legend Major Applewhite to coach the running backs. The sheet on Muschamp describes him as being a guy who could fire up a methadone clinic and ready the patients for battle against a biker gang. It has been obvious in the early days of fall practice as Coach Youtube has reignited a defense that was looking for a fire to be lit. Will lit it in the spring and will be tossing 91 octane on it come August 30th. Get ready for one of the hardest hitting defenses in all of Division I.
That being said, let’s get to what you have all been waiting for: the culmination of preseason changes, recruiting efforts, and if you’re Georgia; felonies. Ladies and gentleman, The Grayson Publication Top 25. Buckeye fans- Look away. This may not be pretty.
1. Florida- Never mind the recent injuries, the Gators still have Captain Ridiculous in Tebow and one of the fastest people on the planet in Percy Harvin. The SEC schedule is always brutal but they get LSU in the swamp and no one in Gainesville has forgotten (or forgiven for that matter) the Georgia incident. Silly Mark Richt, what have you started?
2. USC- Told you not to look, Buckeye fans. Want an early predicition? Regardless of who starts at QB for SC, the Trojans will beat Ohio State on September 13th and will ride that victory through the rest of the season. Minus another Stanford, there isn’t another team on the USC schedule that poses any kind of a threat. Is anyone else getting tired of seeing Petey’s face in BCS games? God, go to the NFL already.
3. Oklahoma- Hate to do it but ole Stoopsy has himself another loaded squad that will probably win the conference, will probably be annihilated in a bowl game and is probably being paid handsomely by the local car dealer for work undone. The only soft spot is losing six starters on defense that wasn’t even necessary last year. Yeah, it helps when your offense puts up more than 35 points a game. We just have to put up 36. Got me, Colt?
4. Ohio State- Most of you have already emailed me a long list of expletives. A lot of you have stopped reading and a great deal of you have printed out this publication and are using it in a manner other than directed. Look, it will be an amazing season with 19 returning starters, a Heisman favorite in Beanie and a defense that will make up most of the ’09 NFL draft. That doesn’t change the fact that Tressel and company will be outsmarted in LA. Yes, the same way they were in the past two Championship games. Ooh, did I swing a little too low on that one? Sorry Herby.
5. Georgia- My #1 in May. Then there were the arrests and the injuries and UGA died (always a bad omen). Mark Richt remains one of my favorite coaches and though I would love to see the Dawgs as SEC champs, it is going to take another season and a parole officer added to the coaching staff.
6. Clemson- “Tommy, can you hear me?” Then stick to the ground game and let Spiller and Davis run all over the ACC. In a down year for the conference, the Tigers are a legitimate national title contender. No, I’m not kidding. This is actually real. Granted, if Clemson doesn’t win the conference, Tommy could be out on his ear. What do you people want from this guy?
7. Texas- Really? You wanna give us the Rodney Dangerfield title to kick off the season? Has the entire college football nation forgotten that Mack Brown goes after 5 star recruits like a fat kid goes after pound cake? We don’t retool, we reload and this season we did it with some new talent, a new attitude, and a new DC that spits lightning and can bench press 625 lbs while eating chicken fried steak. Not really but you get the point. What will we see from the Horns this season? Speed and organized violence on both sides of the ball. Third in the Big 12 South? Please.
8. Missouri- Chase Daniel is the 103 pound high school wrestler that picks fights at parties on the weekends and is always keyed up. You just want to smack him but that only makes him crazier. Without a pocket full of Ritalin and some sugar free hot chocolate, you simply can’t stop him. Too bad the fire in this guy doesn’t bleed over to the defense. The loss to Texas will be the only thing keeping them from National title contention at the end of the year.
9. South Florida- Fresh off of getting absolutely stomped by Oregon in the Sun Bowl (No, we didn’t forget) the Bulls are back and will win the Big East…finally. Jim Leavitt is a great coach and a great motivator. The biggest win of his long career in Tampa will come in Morgantown and will land Southy in a BCS game.
10. Auburn- Losing Muschamp won’t cost you the SEC West but I can imagine that there are some War Eagle chanters that aren’t too happy with Texas AD Deloss Dodds. Sorry Tommy but we need him more than you do. Did you see our defense last season? Paul Rhoads is an excellent replacement and with 16 returning starters, the Tigers can expect a visit to Atlanta for the SEC.
11. West Virginia- I love the 100mph spread offense led by speedy Pat White just as much as the next guy and Bill Stewart’s loyalty to the school is of legend. Now here it comes…BUT- it is an unproven coaching staff that will take advantage of a loaded offense and soft conference schedule. The moonshine won’t be just for fun this season.
12. Texas Tech- Leach’s scallywags (apparently this guy is a little too in to pirates) in Lubbock will lead the nation in scoring, again. Apparently, they will have a much improved defense…again. Sound familiar? Yes, the Red Raiders are the College Football version of the Oceans movies: Same story, same witty commentary, same outcome. Disappointing and forgettable until the next one. Why do I continue to pay to see those in the theater?
13. LSU- Les Miles might still be sucking down celebratory mojitos come August 30th. I’m guessing he likes Raspberry. And, this is why neither he nor any of the whiskey guzzling Tiger fans are sweating only 12 returning starters. Don’t worry, I’m not suggesting another App St. mega upset. Well, fingers crossed. I am simply pointing out that several other teams might be the focal point of the conference. Then again…
14. Virginia Tech- The Fighting Frank Beamers will emerge from the Coastal Division due to a HORRIBLE year for the ACC. Beamer ball will play like an orchestra against underachieving offenses this season outside of maybe Sep 20th when the Hokies take visit to Chapel Hill. Mark that down as the deciding factor for who sits here in the polls.
15. Wisconsin- There is a soft spot in my heart for the Badgers. Maybe it’s “Jump Around” before the 4th quarter. Maybe it’s that Madison seems like my kind of town. Maybe it’s the case of bourbon that arrived at my door two years ago with a giant red W on it. Yeah, maybe. The Badgers might have the strongest team since Bret has been there and his undefeated home record will be put to the test come October 4th against the Bucks. They win that one and this is a top 8 team.
16. Arizona State- Rudy Carpenter is the best quarterback in the Pac 10. He is now a senior surrounded by experienced skill players, just not much else. We all watched how the defense was decimated by a faster, more physical Texas team in the Holiday Bowl. Rudy left the game asking reporters where Auntie M was and if it was time for his nap. Look for that same result against SC and Oregon. Erickson, you like San Diego, right? Hello Holiday Bowl.
17. Penn State- I’m starting to think that Paterno will coach ‘til he croaks and I am alright with it. So tell me, Joe, how does one recruit with dementia? We can do this all day but in all seriousness the Lions are, say it with me, LOADED! Going to Madison and the Shoe will kill them in the end but PSU is returning to Big Ten dominance.
18. BYU- After two straight years of complete domination, who needs a defense? Interesting that they actually played some last year. I wouldn’t expect that from the Fightin’ Mormons this season as they attempt to run the table with an offense that scores like Clooney in a conference that plays as much defense as Lindsay Lohan. Slut.
19. California- We’ve got hippies passing toilet paper in the trees and questions at Quarterback. Translation: We gots problems! The defense will be much improved and that will be the key to the season early until Riley catches his stride running the offense. He will catch his stride by the way.
20. Tennessee- Now stay with me on this one. Rocky Top fans couldn’t be more excited about this team. I have actually received messages suggesting a Tennessee appearance in the National Championship. After a while, you start to drink the punch. Checkerboard end zone and all. With one of the largest offensive lines in the country, Crompton will have his way most defenses so you can stop the giggling.
21. South Carolina- Spurrier’s last season should be another solid performance. Yes, I said LAST season. He GONE! Any kind of an improvement on 6 wins will be pleasant for Gamecock fans because they really have no idea what it’s like to be winners anyway. What?
22. Oregon- You are looking at what will be the highest scoring team in the Pac 10. Minus last season’s injuries, the Ducks will be right back in the mix for the Pac 10 but play their three toughest games on the road. Unless you have lived under a rock for the past 8 years the you know that Oregon is deadly at home. Not so much on unfriendly ground. Go Ducks!
23. Kansas- Remember 2007? Yeah, that was awesome. When does basketball season start?
24. Utah- There weren’t many teams that were more boring to watch last season than the Utes. The MAC in general isn’t very appealing but this was borderline torture. I would rather take in an Arkansas State vs. Middle Tennessee game or even a Redskins/Cardinals pre-season. Seriously, just keep us somewhat entertained and I keep you here. One channel flip to a Hills re-run and you’re gone.
25. North Carolina- Yep, they also play football and Butch Davis is bringing in major recruiting classes. What do you expect? The guy is the Rick Neuheisel of the East Coast. He will lie, cheat, and buy hookers for a 5 star athlete. No Jake. You are not and have never been a star athlete. Beer Pong is not a sport. Shameful.
Clemson vs. Alabama
Utah at Michigan- Laugh now but you have no idea how good this…Oh wait, you’re laughing at Michigan. Yeah, it is a little funny.
Missouri vs. Illinois
Florida Atlantic at Texas- Just because Schnelly has been talking so much trash. Rusty Smith may not leave the game on his own power. So much for back to back all Sun Belt appearances.
Washington at Oregon- A rivalry this early? Awesome!
SMU at Rice- Why watch? Because otherwise I might be the only person on this planet who actually cares who wins this game.
Kentucky at Louisville- Sunday
Tennessee at UCLA- A Monday night college game is the best idea since the Thursday night college game.
Let’s just get to it already! College Football!!
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