The Renegade College Football Newsletter
A 49-9 victory over your bitter rival after being embarrassed for two straight seasons by those heathens is supposed to feel like vindication. And during the five minutes it took me to devour my post-game pumpkin pie, it did. I relished in the usual yet amazing Colt McCoy performance, the defense’s domination that could be equated to Reagan vs. Panama (HI, Mr. Noriega), and of course, the gratifying moment would not have been complete without the Stephen McGee Asshole curtain call. SM, you’re just damn lucky that as you approached the sideline to whine about getting your head nearly taken off by Sergio Kindle, that Roy Miller didn’t go ahead and complete the duty. Good Luck never playing in the NFL.
The reflection lasted the length of the slice of pie and a glass of rum-filled eggnog. And I mean FILLED people. When half of your family is Puerto Rican, you become very good friends with Bacardi. This is a good thing because I was about to need about 5 more. Reality hits like Bevo on acid and a bottle of Dripping Springs Vodka. We were screwed, no matter what. It didn’t matter if Oklahoma won by 1 or by 50. It sure as hell didn’t matter if they managed to blow it because none of us ever believed that Baylor stood a margarita’s chance in my right hand.
Honestly, when you woke up on Saturday, did you have the slightest feeling of “It’s possible”? When Baylor miraculously went up by two touchdowns at halftime against Tech, did any part of you have that feeling that would suggest that you were about to witness an Oklahoma State miracle circa 2001? No, of course not. By the way, Robert Griffin is a stud and Baylor will be bowling again next season. You heard it here first.
No, the sickening thing was that we knew our fate. We just refused to accept it because Mack wouldn’t let us. Yes, let me take this opportunity to regale what so many have neglected to. Mack Brown took every opportunity, shameful or otherwise, to state our case. To ensure that above all that was about to fail us in this batshit-crazy system, that it was known that we, Texas, had been left in the cold. To those who tried to sully his efforts, calling them crass, disrespectful, or unsportsmanlike (looking at you, Coach Stoops), please observe my middle finger. Especially you, Barry Switzer.
Mack did what any of you would have done and should have done in the same situation. He fought for his players, for his coaches, and for us, the fans- knowing damn well that it was us that he would have to answer to if he didn’t. So, here is to you Mack. Over and over. We appreciate all that you do, especially in the hardest of times when your actions aren’t popular amongst your peers. Take note, incoming recruits.
Now, I promised myself that I wouldn’t spend the entire issue rambling on about the issues with the BCS or even more so, the conference tie-breaker rule that has Texas fans hitting the bottle as much as LSU fans on a Saturday afternoon. I’m not going to bore you with the same arguments as to why we deserve to be playing for the title. You’ve heard them all, you’ve read them all, and unless you’re a Sooner or an idiot, you agree with us. I’ll just say that unless Missouri is able to accomplish what would only be described as a Faux-Hawk miracle on Saturday, don’t expect anyone in the Burnt Orange to be happy about life. If Oklahoma plays for the National Championship, the outcome won’t matter- win or lose, we’re only going to think what might have been had it been us and not them. Thus, Go Missouri!! And if we can’t have it our way, screw the Big XII, GO SEC!!! May you be the next conference to embarrass Oklahoma at season’s end.
Coach Willingham, the Coconut is on it’s way:
Washington Huskies
And now, the real Top 25!
1. Florida 11-1- The hottest team in America is in Gainesville, not Norman, Oklahoma. The biggest difference is that this team is playing defense- something Oklahoma apparently plans to look into prior to playing Missouri.
2. Alabama 12-0- Well, what do you want? They’re 12-0 and unlike the rest of the top teams in the country, they have beaten everyone they were supposed to. You know, as in they didn’t already lose to Florida by 10 points on a neutral field.
3. Texas 11-1- At this point, speechless as Jake after a strip club visit.
4. Oklahoma 11-1- This is a new hate. One I had only reserved for people who wear sunglasses in grocery stores, guys who walk around with blue tooth headsets in their ears, and the cast from the Hills.
5. USC 10-1- You done complaining, Pete? Did we send our thank you notes to Mike Bellotti and the rest of the staff in Eugene?
6. Penn State 11-1- JoePa’s only worries about facing SC- whether OJ was going to start and if they still had Grape Jello at the Rose Bowl. I’m saying he’s old.
7. Utah 12-0- This team and a second-tier Big Ten team will be playing in the BCS over Tech. I thought we were pissed.
8. Texas Tech 11-1- Michael “Merlin” Crabtree announced today that he is going to stay for another year. Apparently, he nightmared it in his head that he wasn’t ready for the NFL.
9. Ohio State 10-2- Yes, you get to play a pissed off 11-1 Texas team who might be the only school in the country who belongs on the same field as Florida. Frightening.
10. Boise State 12-0- Seriously, what the hell does Chris Peterson have to do to get hired by a major program that has the funds to put green grass on the field?
11. Cincinnati 10-2- Remember when this was just a basketball school? Mark Dantonio put the program on the map and Brian Kelly has turned them into a Big East powerhouse. (Oxymoron?) As long as Kelly is the man, this team will be playing in undeserved BCS bowls virtually every year.
12. Ball State 12-0- Yeah, still don’t get it. Nate Davis is the new Ben Roethlisberger.
13. TCU 10-2- The Frogs are experiencing the best stretch in their history, including the 1940’s when TCU actually played for conference championships. If they can figure out a way to keep Gary Patterson, they could continue to steal recruits away from Texas A&M and Tech.
14. Georgia Tech 9-3- I said it before but I wrote off the Paul Johnson hire like I wrote off “Skip It” when I passed the age of 5. Wrong about both.
15. Oregon 9-3- It will go unnoticed but the Ducks performance against in the Civil War was the most impressive in the Pac 10 all season. What Coach Bellotti has been able to piece together after being hit with an enormous amount of injuries is nothing short of amazing. A traditionalist with a running game obsession would sell his right leg to watch the Ducks take on Georgia Tech in a bowl game.
16. Oklahoma State 9-3- Yeah, we needed it to look a lot better than that, guys.
17. Georgia 9-3- To Georgia Tech? As an SEC team, you should never leave the stadium hearing the fans chant A-C-C!
18. Missouri 9-3- There are no bigger Tiger fans on this earth this weekend than Longhorn fans. Our fate rests in your hands Captain Fauxhawk, Leader of Hobbiton.
19. Boston College 9-3- Imagine if people in Boston gave a damn about college sports. Think this might get more press than the status of Brady’s knee? No, you’re right. Probably wouldn’t.
20. Ole Miss 8-4- Houston Nutt is the Mike Leach of the SEC minus a Law Degree and a crazed obsession with One-Eyed Willie.
21. Michigan State 9-3- Classic Big Ten. Watching Paint Dry Offense and competitive eaters on D. Yet, they’re winning. I’m perplexed.
22. BYU 10-2- When analyzing the rule book in the off-season, can we discuss how many 25+ year old players each team should be allowed?
23. Pittsburgh 8-3- Baylor would go 8-3 in the Big East. Just sayin’.
24. Northwestern 9-3- Northwestern would probably win the Big East.
25. Oregon State 8-4- Do you feel a little like Tom Hanks in “Big”?
A 49-9 victory over your bitter rival after being embarrassed for two straight seasons by those heathens is supposed to feel like vindication. And during the five minutes it took me to devour my post-game pumpkin pie, it did. I relished in the usual yet amazing Colt McCoy performance, the defense’s domination that could be equated to Reagan vs. Panama (HI, Mr. Noriega), and of course, the gratifying moment would not have been complete without the Stephen McGee Asshole curtain call. SM, you’re just damn lucky that as you approached the sideline to whine about getting your head nearly taken off by Sergio Kindle, that Roy Miller didn’t go ahead and complete the duty. Good Luck never playing in the NFL.
The reflection lasted the length of the slice of pie and a glass of rum-filled eggnog. And I mean FILLED people. When half of your family is Puerto Rican, you become very good friends with Bacardi. This is a good thing because I was about to need about 5 more. Reality hits like Bevo on acid and a bottle of Dripping Springs Vodka. We were screwed, no matter what. It didn’t matter if Oklahoma won by 1 or by 50. It sure as hell didn’t matter if they managed to blow it because none of us ever believed that Baylor stood a margarita’s chance in my right hand.
Honestly, when you woke up on Saturday, did you have the slightest feeling of “It’s possible”? When Baylor miraculously went up by two touchdowns at halftime against Tech, did any part of you have that feeling that would suggest that you were about to witness an Oklahoma State miracle circa 2001? No, of course not. By the way, Robert Griffin is a stud and Baylor will be bowling again next season. You heard it here first.
No, the sickening thing was that we knew our fate. We just refused to accept it because Mack wouldn’t let us. Yes, let me take this opportunity to regale what so many have neglected to. Mack Brown took every opportunity, shameful or otherwise, to state our case. To ensure that above all that was about to fail us in this batshit-crazy system, that it was known that we, Texas, had been left in the cold. To those who tried to sully his efforts, calling them crass, disrespectful, or unsportsmanlike (looking at you, Coach Stoops), please observe my middle finger. Especially you, Barry Switzer.
Mack did what any of you would have done and should have done in the same situation. He fought for his players, for his coaches, and for us, the fans- knowing damn well that it was us that he would have to answer to if he didn’t. So, here is to you Mack. Over and over. We appreciate all that you do, especially in the hardest of times when your actions aren’t popular amongst your peers. Take note, incoming recruits.
Now, I promised myself that I wouldn’t spend the entire issue rambling on about the issues with the BCS or even more so, the conference tie-breaker rule that has Texas fans hitting the bottle as much as LSU fans on a Saturday afternoon. I’m not going to bore you with the same arguments as to why we deserve to be playing for the title. You’ve heard them all, you’ve read them all, and unless you’re a Sooner or an idiot, you agree with us. I’ll just say that unless Missouri is able to accomplish what would only be described as a Faux-Hawk miracle on Saturday, don’t expect anyone in the Burnt Orange to be happy about life. If Oklahoma plays for the National Championship, the outcome won’t matter- win or lose, we’re only going to think what might have been had it been us and not them. Thus, Go Missouri!! And if we can’t have it our way, screw the Big XII, GO SEC!!! May you be the next conference to embarrass Oklahoma at season’s end.
Coach Willingham, the Coconut is on it’s way:
Washington Huskies
And now, the real Top 25!1. Florida 11-1- The hottest team in America is in Gainesville, not Norman, Oklahoma. The biggest difference is that this team is playing defense- something Oklahoma apparently plans to look into prior to playing Missouri.
2. Alabama 12-0- Well, what do you want? They’re 12-0 and unlike the rest of the top teams in the country, they have beaten everyone they were supposed to. You know, as in they didn’t already lose to Florida by 10 points on a neutral field.
3. Texas 11-1- At this point, speechless as Jake after a strip club visit.
4. Oklahoma 11-1- This is a new hate. One I had only reserved for people who wear sunglasses in grocery stores, guys who walk around with blue tooth headsets in their ears, and the cast from the Hills.
5. USC 10-1- You done complaining, Pete? Did we send our thank you notes to Mike Bellotti and the rest of the staff in Eugene?
6. Penn State 11-1- JoePa’s only worries about facing SC- whether OJ was going to start and if they still had Grape Jello at the Rose Bowl. I’m saying he’s old.
7. Utah 12-0- This team and a second-tier Big Ten team will be playing in the BCS over Tech. I thought we were pissed.
8. Texas Tech 11-1- Michael “Merlin” Crabtree announced today that he is going to stay for another year. Apparently, he nightmared it in his head that he wasn’t ready for the NFL.
9. Ohio State 10-2- Yes, you get to play a pissed off 11-1 Texas team who might be the only school in the country who belongs on the same field as Florida. Frightening.
10. Boise State 12-0- Seriously, what the hell does Chris Peterson have to do to get hired by a major program that has the funds to put green grass on the field?
11. Cincinnati 10-2- Remember when this was just a basketball school? Mark Dantonio put the program on the map and Brian Kelly has turned them into a Big East powerhouse. (Oxymoron?) As long as Kelly is the man, this team will be playing in undeserved BCS bowls virtually every year.
12. Ball State 12-0- Yeah, still don’t get it. Nate Davis is the new Ben Roethlisberger.
13. TCU 10-2- The Frogs are experiencing the best stretch in their history, including the 1940’s when TCU actually played for conference championships. If they can figure out a way to keep Gary Patterson, they could continue to steal recruits away from Texas A&M and Tech.
14. Georgia Tech 9-3- I said it before but I wrote off the Paul Johnson hire like I wrote off “Skip It” when I passed the age of 5. Wrong about both.
15. Oregon 9-3- It will go unnoticed but the Ducks performance against in the Civil War was the most impressive in the Pac 10 all season. What Coach Bellotti has been able to piece together after being hit with an enormous amount of injuries is nothing short of amazing. A traditionalist with a running game obsession would sell his right leg to watch the Ducks take on Georgia Tech in a bowl game.
16. Oklahoma State 9-3- Yeah, we needed it to look a lot better than that, guys.
17. Georgia 9-3- To Georgia Tech? As an SEC team, you should never leave the stadium hearing the fans chant A-C-C!
18. Missouri 9-3- There are no bigger Tiger fans on this earth this weekend than Longhorn fans. Our fate rests in your hands Captain Fauxhawk, Leader of Hobbiton.
19. Boston College 9-3- Imagine if people in Boston gave a damn about college sports. Think this might get more press than the status of Brady’s knee? No, you’re right. Probably wouldn’t.
20. Ole Miss 8-4- Houston Nutt is the Mike Leach of the SEC minus a Law Degree and a crazed obsession with One-Eyed Willie.
21. Michigan State 9-3- Classic Big Ten. Watching Paint Dry Offense and competitive eaters on D. Yet, they’re winning. I’m perplexed.
22. BYU 10-2- When analyzing the rule book in the off-season, can we discuss how many 25+ year old players each team should be allowed?
23. Pittsburgh 8-3- Baylor would go 8-3 in the Big East. Just sayin’.
24. Northwestern 9-3- Northwestern would probably win the Big East.
25. Oregon State 8-4- Do you feel a little like Tom Hanks in “Big”?
The order on my Heisman ballot:
Colt McCoy
Sam Bradford
Tim Tebow
Graham Harrell
ACC Championship: Boston College vs. Virginia TechSEC Championship: Alabama vs. Florida
Big XII Championship: Oklahoma (Bull$&@(*#%) vs. Missouri
Army vs. Navy
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2 comments:
Skip It was a wonderful adolescent treat, a feast for the senses. God bless it. Missouri will win. OU sucks my nuts.
I"m sorry brotha....you deserve to be in the Championship...just sucks that you guys played OU so early in the season...i know this won't help but it could be worse...you could be a fan of Syracuse or Illinios :)
See you've won something....respect, honor, and awesomeness....
Go CUSE!!! and Illini - they should play in a bowl....
The Shit bowl......
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