The Bowl Issue Part One

Bowl Issue Part One: The little guys

Welcome to the Bowl Issue. Our most comprehensive and lackluster issue of the season. Now, before we start to tackle the bowls, there is one small issue we need to cover: Oklahoma. There is a new, improved hate that is brewing south of the Red River. Just when we were starting to accept the BCS atrocity, Sam Bradford wins the Heisman trophy much to the liking of short bus rider, Billy Sims. Those of you who thought we might just shrug our shoulders and respond, "well, Hell, he deserves it" have about as much insight into Texas football as I do into the inner workings of Chinese donut shop. As my good buddy, Ben put it so candidly: "I hate Oklahoma more than I hate Glitter." Ben is the President of the Anti-Glitter Alliance.

This season's game, which we won for those who don't remember, reached a new echelon for the rivalry in the sense that it affected all of college football. And, it's only the beginning. Colt McCoy announced his return for his senior then watched Oklahoma annhilate both Missouri and the Longhorn hopes for a shot at a National title. A week later, he sat in a room in downtown Manhattan with the second and third best players in the country. The second best took home Colt's award and trashed Texas dreams for the second time in one year. We don't take this stuff lightly, Sammy. The final straw was the Stoops smirk that graced his chubby, douchey, face as Sam was announced and Sims began his best impression of "Nell" on a mix of black tar heroin and steroids. It was a rivaly that became a battle. For the past decade, it has been war. From this moment, it is a Vendetta. Hook 'Em! Go Gators!


Stay tuned next week for Part Two of the Bowl Issue. For now, let's get to these bowls shall we.

December 20th

Eagle Bank Bowl- Washington D.C.

Wake Forest vs. Navy

Breakdown- First, I wasn't even aware that Eagles had their own bank and that said bank could have enough capital to sponsor a bowl game. Honestly, in a time when Countrywide and Wachovia are forced to merge to avoid Chapter 11, how the hell does an endangered species manage a financial institution? All kidding aside, Navy managed to take Wake behing the woodshed earlier in the year and there really isn't anything suggesting that they won't do it again. Let's be adults, the only people outside of D.C. that are going to be watching this game will be LSU students who realize that they creat a drinking game out of the announcers mispronouncing the Navy QB's name. Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Ehnada.





New Mexico Bowl- Albuquerque, NM

Colorado State vs. Fresno State

Breakdown- 6-6 vs. 7-5. Awesome. The biggest problem with not having a playoff system really isn't the issues at the top of the BCS, it's our exposure to bowl games between mid-level teams in crap conferences. It's not like we're getting to watch Bradlee Van Pelt and David Carr. Prediction: Announcers try to get us to believe that this game has a significant recruiting impact seeing as Colorado borders New Mexico. Rams by 10.

magicJack St. Petersburg Bowl- St. Petersburg, FL

Memphis vs. South Florida

Breakdown- You can imagine our embarrasment seeing as we picked South Florida to represent the Big East (aka the NCAA basketball elite 8) in the BCS. Instead, the Bulls proved to be as reliable as a Chevy Malibu with over 70,000 miles. Remember when this team was 6-1? Prediction: Matt Grothe takes off his helmet to reveal that he is the Ghost Rider in the 3rd quarter and leads the Bulls on a runaway.




Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl- Las Vegas, NV

BYU vs. Arizona

Breakdown- Mormons in Vegas is the very definition of irony. It is also the recipe for a pack of very bored strippers. Jake's regards to the Crazy Horse II. He promises his return in the near future. The Cougars started the season on what we thought might be a rampage of Cinderelladom until we realized that they are a Mountain West team with little upside unless you like watching undersized white guys run hitch routes. Arizona made a run of their own to impress the peers of the Pac 10. Not too difficult a task considering...well, you know. Prediction: Surprisingly, a defensive battle. Not surprisingly, very little caffeine served at the game.


December 21st




New Orleans Bowl - well, New Orleans of course

Southern Miss vs. Troy

Breakdown- $20 to the guy who can name the QB for either team. Honestly, who doesn't love the annual Sun Belt vs. CUSA barnyard burner. Prediction: Of the 9 people who will actually watch this game on TV, I will be the only one who can name both coaches.

December 23rd


San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl- San Diego, CA.

Boise State vs. TCU

Breakdown- This is easily the best bowl where there is no BCS conference team in sight. You gotta love Boise's decision to blow off the home stadium bowl game for what might be their toughest game of the year. It will most certainly be the best defense they've seen. No one is going to hit harder than the Frogs. This game has the possibility of being the next Boise State ESPN Instant Classic. That, or Chris Peterson devises an offense that makes Gary Patteron pop another blood vessel in his eye. Predicition: Broncos by 17 in the end. TCU's offense has the same level of effectiveness as a Lou Holtz pep talk.


December 24th

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl- Honolulu, HI

Hawaii vs. Notre Dame

Breakdown- Don't act like you're not hosting a Christmas Eve Hula party complete with leis, grass skirts, and fat, angry dudes with body paint. Hawaii will have never had more supporters than this Christmas Even. Look, no one likes Notre Dame but Notre Dame especially when the Irish are taking on a team that they have no business losing to. Like, say, Navy. We're going to have to hope the Warriors play with a totally different level of passion. Prediction: Pale Catholics fall victim to a Mai Tai onslaught and let this slip away from them in the fourth quarter.


December 26th

Motor City Bowl- Detroit, MI

Florida Atlantic vs. Central Michigan

Breakdown- What better Christmas present than a horrific bowl game in the city who houses 3 of the largest companies about to file for bankruptcy. Oh, look at that, even the name of the bowl is a reminder. How sadistic. Prediction: I don't remember this game is even on until the fourth quarter when I am busy strategizing the use of my 20 gift cards.