The Renegade College Football Newsletter
The text from a friend came in like any other. An innocent double vibration that all of us have come to know quite well. Assuming that the message was also of the “not urgent” variety, it took me a few minutes to get to it. And then, another vibration from a different buddy, came buzzing in. Upon reading it, beads of sweat began to matriculate on my forehead: “Did you hear about Muschamp?”
I thought the worst as I immediately went to http://www.espn.com/. I thought that I would see the giant power “T” or an orange paw resting next to a picture of Will “Sooner Boomer” Muschamp. I thought for sure that his blood stained cheek would be sitting next to a big purple Washington “W”. Worst case that had been caught dancing naked in the streets of West campus with Jake while holding a giant bottle of peppermint schnapps and screaming “BOOM! MOTHA FU#*A” at police as they snapped him some cuffs. Anxiety running at boiling point and trying desperately not to spew my lunch all over my work computer, I pulled up the College Football page. “Wait, what!?!”
“NO F*#KING WAY!!!!!” he yelled out in his professional office surrounded by co-workers. That is all I remember from the moment. “Will Muschamp to succeed Mack Brown, staying at Texas.” Vomit avoidance quickly turned into urine avoidance as 12 people stared at me with that blank look suggesting their disapproval with my choice of language. That and wondering why my arms are straight in the air and why I am suddenly chewing the end of my tie with that look in my eyes that expresses the loss of one’s virginity or the first bite of some amazing pancakes. Is this for real? Did Deloss “God of all that is Athletic Directorship” Dodds really pull this off? Who needs Christmas presents now?
There are plenty of nay-sayers analyzing the overall situation. They mainly wear maroon or crimson red but the reality is that this might be the biggest move that the Texas football program has ever made. How do you plan to succeed the greatest coach in your program’s history? Well, hell, let’s hire possibly the next best young Head Coach out there in Coach Boom. Sound familiar, Darrel Royal-era Longhorns? What this hire does is remove the possibility of a long difficult search for a DC, an eventual long difficult search for the next head coach at Texas, and the possibility that the program will ever be run any differently. Basically, we are doing everything possible to avoid the Aggie scenario. Will will have the opportunity to absorb the Mack Brown policy like rice does hot water and will eventually utilize his personal excitement to continue to bring top-level talent to the family that this group has created. Sure, there is bias in this statement but folks, you are witnessing the orchestration of what has become the greatest sports program in all of college sports. Deloss, you are the Messiah of Athletic Administration. We salute you in your incredible efforts and yes, I did eventually pee a little. The embarrassment and a new not-so-PC nickname were worth it. Hook ‘EM! Beat A&M!
Florida is the fastest team on the planet and has the ability to turn a game from an actual competition into what is seemingly a battle between 160lb. me and Ray Lewis. I think that we can all agree that if the National Championship were played tomorrow, we would be looking forward to a God thanking acceptance speech by Tim Tebow. He would then blow a kiss to the sky, point at mom, head back to the locker room, and begin making his preparations to sign a giant NFL contract for his position of clipboard holder/play send-in guy. This is not a prediction, dedicated readers, this is simply an honest look into our not so distant future.
Random thoughts:
How badly are you rooting for Syracuse (girls lacrosse team pretending to play football) to beat Notre Dame this weekend? No, really, try to quantify it. It’s like trying to describe how much you love the smell of bacon being cooked or how much you hate that guy who wears sunglasses in the supermarket.
Baylor beat Texas A&M. By 20 points! Remember that dream when you showed up to high school wearing nothing but your Dawson’s Creek boxers. This is worse.
The Big East champion belongs in a BCS bowl like Sarah Palin belongs at a Private Country Club. “No, we don’t have Keystone” said the puzzled bartender. “No, the golf ball collector cannot be used as target practice.” I could go all day.
Turner Gill will be the next head coach at Syracuse…and will fail. In other Syracuse news, Donovan McNabb will hold an off-season QB camp dedicated to Rule Compliance, specifically focusing on what the term, “Sudden Death” means.
One of these teams will disappear after this weekend as the Apple Cup (Who sucks more A$$ Bowl) takes place in the great state of Washington:
Washington Huskies
Washington State Cougars
North Texas Mean Green
1. Texas Tech 10-0- Mike Leach is spending the week off roaming around campus wearing an eye patch and mumbling about the Swashbuckling abilities of Michael Crabtree. This guy built the best team in the country? Now, I know how the NBA feels about Doc Rivers.
2. Florida 9-1- Like when David approached Goliath, every team who stares down the Gators from the other side of the field has the same thought process: “Well, shit. This can’t end good.”
3. Alabama 11-0- The talent is there for a championship two years from now but the unfortunate reality is that you need a QB to win the title. Thus, this season is a no go.
4. Texas 10-1- Let’s just keep telling ourselves that we are not, not one bit, cheering for Oklahoma. We are rooting for a Tech loss. So when Bradford goes to Iglesias for a 40 yard touchdown and we are jumping up and down in our living rooms to the tune of “Boomer Sooner”, we are expressing excitement for the lack of defense shown by Tech, not for the OU touchdown. Ready, break.
5. Oklahoma 9-1- Hey, know what would be great? How about…
6. USC 9-1- See, here I thought ESPN just signed an agreement with the SEC, not Pete Carroll. Yet they still take every opportunity to grossly exaggerate meaningless Pac 10 victories. What is this spell that Magic Pete has over Kirk Herbstreit and Jesse Palmer?
7. Utah 11-0- Does anyone else feel like Utah’s involvement in the BCS is the equivalent to a Mormon at an AA meeting?
8. Penn State 10-1- Note to the Nittany Lion players: Play this game like you are playing it for your parents, or your grandparents or your future sons, something. Just don’t lose to Michigan State for God’s sake. We would love to not have to endure SC v. OSU 2. Rocky V was bad enough.
9. Boise State 10-0- Is Ian Johnson in his ninth year of eligibility?
10. Ohio State 9-2- After hanging 40 on Michigan, the Bucks get to prepare for the Outback Bowl. Yay!
11. Oklahoma State 9-2- Hey, know what would be awesome?
12. Georgia 9-2- The book was out on the Bulldogs 3 games into the season but they didn’t have to full-on cash it in. Barely beating Kentucky doesn’t help the Bowl selection committee much. Just sayin’.
13. Missouri 9-2- Hey, you guys are still here?
14. BYU 10-1- Cougars vs. Utes rivalry? How about “Sober Bowl?” Thoughts?
15. Michigan State 9-2- Hey, great idea: When you have a great running back and Offensive line, play-action can be extremely effective. Jesus, it’s not like we’re asking you to switch to the A-11 or anything. (Speaking of which, if you haven’t already, Youtube the A-11 Offense. Several teams in California run it and it is the craziest thing you have ever seen: 3-4 Offensive Lineman and the rest? Receivers.)
16. TCU 9-2- The Frogs will most likely finish 10-2 with their only losses coming to top 10 teams and they will end up in a useless bowl against a #4 or #5 team from a major conference whom they will destroy. Now, tell me, what is wrong with the BCS?
17. Ball State 10-0- The quality of wins suggests this placement. They are a MAC TEAM!
18. Cincinnati 8-2- The joke is that this team or Pitt is going to play in a BCS game as the Big East Champion and one of the top 3 Big XII teams will have to settle for the Cotton Bowl. Yep, the system is flawless.
19. LSU 7-3- Losing a few games simply allows LSU students to justify missing the entire second half of a game due to over exposure to Moonshine. Those of us who reside outside of the state of Louisiana would call it alcohol poisoning.
20. Oregon State 7-3- Rose Bowl? Really? You mean, like, the parade? No, the Bowl game? But, you’re not USC.
21. Pitt 7-2- Big East Championships in football these days are like Mountain West championships in basketball. No one really cares and most of us can’t even name all of the teams in the conference.
22. Miami 7-3- Randy Shannon has done an amazing job with this team. No one in his right mind thought this team has a snow ball’s chance in Phoenix to compete for another two years or so but the recruiting efforts and discipline of this coach have resonated amongst this team like a Barack Obama speech in any state west of Kansas. And he is doing it without the usual Miami team functions such as robbery, coke dealing and Tranny pimping. Amazing.
23. Maryland 7-3- Oh, look, yet another ACC team to bust into the Top 25 only to lose a game they shouldn’t and bow out accordingly. It’s starting to get a little repetitive, fellas.
24. Oregon 8-3- Take away the injuries and this team only has one loss to the eventual conference champ, USC. Yes, that’s right. If you think the Ducks are going to let the Civil War game be Oregon State’s ticket into the Rose Bowl, you know nothing of Oregon football. Sidenote, guys we’re done with the tire tread on the shoulder pads. I know the Marketing team had an hilarious time putting that altogether in photoshop and then panicked when they realized that they forgot to remove the tread but the joke has gone far enough.
25. North Carolina 7-3- Butch Davis refuting the Tennessee job tells you several things. A) He realizes that it is much harder to compete in the SEC than it is the ACC. B) As long as he gets into bowl games at UNC, he will never be sent to the AD’s office to explain a 4 loss season. C) He apparently doesn’t like money, or coon skin caps, or shotguns, or Day-Glo orange, or America.
The text from a friend came in like any other. An innocent double vibration that all of us have come to know quite well. Assuming that the message was also of the “not urgent” variety, it took me a few minutes to get to it. And then, another vibration from a different buddy, came buzzing in. Upon reading it, beads of sweat began to matriculate on my forehead: “Did you hear about Muschamp?”
I thought the worst as I immediately went to http://www.espn.com/. I thought that I would see the giant power “T” or an orange paw resting next to a picture of Will “Sooner Boomer” Muschamp. I thought for sure that his blood stained cheek would be sitting next to a big purple Washington “W”. Worst case that had been caught dancing naked in the streets of West campus with Jake while holding a giant bottle of peppermint schnapps and screaming “BOOM! MOTHA FU#*A” at police as they snapped him some cuffs. Anxiety running at boiling point and trying desperately not to spew my lunch all over my work computer, I pulled up the College Football page. “Wait, what!?!”
“NO F*#KING WAY!!!!!” he yelled out in his professional office surrounded by co-workers. That is all I remember from the moment. “Will Muschamp to succeed Mack Brown, staying at Texas.” Vomit avoidance quickly turned into urine avoidance as 12 people stared at me with that blank look suggesting their disapproval with my choice of language. That and wondering why my arms are straight in the air and why I am suddenly chewing the end of my tie with that look in my eyes that expresses the loss of one’s virginity or the first bite of some amazing pancakes. Is this for real? Did Deloss “God of all that is Athletic Directorship” Dodds really pull this off? Who needs Christmas presents now?
There are plenty of nay-sayers analyzing the overall situation. They mainly wear maroon or crimson red but the reality is that this might be the biggest move that the Texas football program has ever made. How do you plan to succeed the greatest coach in your program’s history? Well, hell, let’s hire possibly the next best young Head Coach out there in Coach Boom. Sound familiar, Darrel Royal-era Longhorns? What this hire does is remove the possibility of a long difficult search for a DC, an eventual long difficult search for the next head coach at Texas, and the possibility that the program will ever be run any differently. Basically, we are doing everything possible to avoid the Aggie scenario. Will will have the opportunity to absorb the Mack Brown policy like rice does hot water and will eventually utilize his personal excitement to continue to bring top-level talent to the family that this group has created. Sure, there is bias in this statement but folks, you are witnessing the orchestration of what has become the greatest sports program in all of college sports. Deloss, you are the Messiah of Athletic Administration. We salute you in your incredible efforts and yes, I did eventually pee a little. The embarrassment and a new not-so-PC nickname were worth it. Hook ‘EM! Beat A&M!
Florida is the fastest team on the planet and has the ability to turn a game from an actual competition into what is seemingly a battle between 160lb. me and Ray Lewis. I think that we can all agree that if the National Championship were played tomorrow, we would be looking forward to a God thanking acceptance speech by Tim Tebow. He would then blow a kiss to the sky, point at mom, head back to the locker room, and begin making his preparations to sign a giant NFL contract for his position of clipboard holder/play send-in guy. This is not a prediction, dedicated readers, this is simply an honest look into our not so distant future.
Random thoughts:
How badly are you rooting for Syracuse (girls lacrosse team pretending to play football) to beat Notre Dame this weekend? No, really, try to quantify it. It’s like trying to describe how much you love the smell of bacon being cooked or how much you hate that guy who wears sunglasses in the supermarket.
Baylor beat Texas A&M. By 20 points! Remember that dream when you showed up to high school wearing nothing but your Dawson’s Creek boxers. This is worse.
The Big East champion belongs in a BCS bowl like Sarah Palin belongs at a Private Country Club. “No, we don’t have Keystone” said the puzzled bartender. “No, the golf ball collector cannot be used as target practice.” I could go all day.
Turner Gill will be the next head coach at Syracuse…and will fail. In other Syracuse news, Donovan McNabb will hold an off-season QB camp dedicated to Rule Compliance, specifically focusing on what the term, “Sudden Death” means.
One of these teams will disappear after this weekend as the Apple Cup (Who sucks more A$$ Bowl) takes place in the great state of Washington:
Washington Huskies
Washington State Cougars
North Texas Mean Green
1. Texas Tech 10-0- Mike Leach is spending the week off roaming around campus wearing an eye patch and mumbling about the Swashbuckling abilities of Michael Crabtree. This guy built the best team in the country? Now, I know how the NBA feels about Doc Rivers.
2. Florida 9-1- Like when David approached Goliath, every team who stares down the Gators from the other side of the field has the same thought process: “Well, shit. This can’t end good.”
3. Alabama 11-0- The talent is there for a championship two years from now but the unfortunate reality is that you need a QB to win the title. Thus, this season is a no go.
4. Texas 10-1- Let’s just keep telling ourselves that we are not, not one bit, cheering for Oklahoma. We are rooting for a Tech loss. So when Bradford goes to Iglesias for a 40 yard touchdown and we are jumping up and down in our living rooms to the tune of “Boomer Sooner”, we are expressing excitement for the lack of defense shown by Tech, not for the OU touchdown. Ready, break.
5. Oklahoma 9-1- Hey, know what would be great? How about…
6. USC 9-1- See, here I thought ESPN just signed an agreement with the SEC, not Pete Carroll. Yet they still take every opportunity to grossly exaggerate meaningless Pac 10 victories. What is this spell that Magic Pete has over Kirk Herbstreit and Jesse Palmer?
7. Utah 11-0- Does anyone else feel like Utah’s involvement in the BCS is the equivalent to a Mormon at an AA meeting?
8. Penn State 10-1- Note to the Nittany Lion players: Play this game like you are playing it for your parents, or your grandparents or your future sons, something. Just don’t lose to Michigan State for God’s sake. We would love to not have to endure SC v. OSU 2. Rocky V was bad enough.
9. Boise State 10-0- Is Ian Johnson in his ninth year of eligibility?
10. Ohio State 9-2- After hanging 40 on Michigan, the Bucks get to prepare for the Outback Bowl. Yay!
11. Oklahoma State 9-2- Hey, know what would be awesome?
12. Georgia 9-2- The book was out on the Bulldogs 3 games into the season but they didn’t have to full-on cash it in. Barely beating Kentucky doesn’t help the Bowl selection committee much. Just sayin’.
13. Missouri 9-2- Hey, you guys are still here?
14. BYU 10-1- Cougars vs. Utes rivalry? How about “Sober Bowl?” Thoughts?
15. Michigan State 9-2- Hey, great idea: When you have a great running back and Offensive line, play-action can be extremely effective. Jesus, it’s not like we’re asking you to switch to the A-11 or anything. (Speaking of which, if you haven’t already, Youtube the A-11 Offense. Several teams in California run it and it is the craziest thing you have ever seen: 3-4 Offensive Lineman and the rest? Receivers.)
16. TCU 9-2- The Frogs will most likely finish 10-2 with their only losses coming to top 10 teams and they will end up in a useless bowl against a #4 or #5 team from a major conference whom they will destroy. Now, tell me, what is wrong with the BCS?
17. Ball State 10-0- The quality of wins suggests this placement. They are a MAC TEAM!
18. Cincinnati 8-2- The joke is that this team or Pitt is going to play in a BCS game as the Big East Champion and one of the top 3 Big XII teams will have to settle for the Cotton Bowl. Yep, the system is flawless.
19. LSU 7-3- Losing a few games simply allows LSU students to justify missing the entire second half of a game due to over exposure to Moonshine. Those of us who reside outside of the state of Louisiana would call it alcohol poisoning.
20. Oregon State 7-3- Rose Bowl? Really? You mean, like, the parade? No, the Bowl game? But, you’re not USC.
21. Pitt 7-2- Big East Championships in football these days are like Mountain West championships in basketball. No one really cares and most of us can’t even name all of the teams in the conference.
22. Miami 7-3- Randy Shannon has done an amazing job with this team. No one in his right mind thought this team has a snow ball’s chance in Phoenix to compete for another two years or so but the recruiting efforts and discipline of this coach have resonated amongst this team like a Barack Obama speech in any state west of Kansas. And he is doing it without the usual Miami team functions such as robbery, coke dealing and Tranny pimping. Amazing.
23. Maryland 7-3- Oh, look, yet another ACC team to bust into the Top 25 only to lose a game they shouldn’t and bow out accordingly. It’s starting to get a little repetitive, fellas.
24. Oregon 8-3- Take away the injuries and this team only has one loss to the eventual conference champ, USC. Yes, that’s right. If you think the Ducks are going to let the Civil War game be Oregon State’s ticket into the Rose Bowl, you know nothing of Oregon football. Sidenote, guys we’re done with the tire tread on the shoulder pads. I know the Marketing team had an hilarious time putting that altogether in photoshop and then panicked when they realized that they forgot to remove the tread but the joke has gone far enough.
25. North Carolina 7-3- Butch Davis refuting the Tennessee job tells you several things. A) He realizes that it is much harder to compete in the SEC than it is the ACC. B) As long as he gets into bowl games at UNC, he will never be sent to the AD’s office to explain a 4 loss season. C) He apparently doesn’t like money, or coon skin caps, or shotguns, or Day-Glo orange, or America.
As requested, here are the Top 4 GP Heisman picks headed into the last couple of weeks (in order):
Graham Harrell
Colt McCoy
Sam Bradford
Michael Crabtree
Miami at Georgia Tech
Michigan State at Penn State
BYU at Utah
Pitt at Cincinnati
Oregon State at Arizona
Florida State at Maryland
Texas Tech at Oklahoma
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1 comments:
Wow - Wow - Wow - Look at all the Shout outs the Cuse got albeit to point out how bad they suck but shout outs nonetheless.
But I wanted to wait to post until Monday. Until we all got back to work and had a day and half to truly celebrate the most amazing weekend victory. This is all i have to say ----
Da' Cuse is in the House...OH MY GOD..OH MY GOD...Da' Cuse is in the house...Oh MY GOD... OH MY GOD...
Suck on that Irish -- and all you naysayers - That was worth a horrible season!!!
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