The Renegade College Football Newsletter
Look, I like Joe Paterno just as much as anybody and I would love to see him hobble up to the podium next that Crystal trophy, salivating, and longing for creamed corn…but just like the rest of you that aren’t Big Ten pumpers, I was thanking the almighty for the Penn State loss at Iowa. Why? Because Big Ten football is like Girls’ soccer this season. Because I would rather watch two middle of the road ACC teams go head to head than catch a run-at-all-cost offense try to penetrate a slow defense that loads the line on every play. Because watching rednecks drive billboards around in circles is more appealing than 90% of last week’s conference match-ups. The Big Ten lacks speed in masses and any inkling of ingenuity. Spread HD? The only thing I am seeing in high definition on the field at State College is Urban Meyer’s offense from 7 years ago and the crater-like pores on the players’ faces. If Penn State was the juggernaut we were all begging them to be this year, the Iowa loss would be devastating. Instead, it is justice for a conference that seems to be about five years behind the rest of the country. Terrelle Pryor will welcome you all to the future. Enjoy it. We in the Big XII and the SEC have been living in it for half of a decade.
The inevitable matchup of the best from the Big XII vs. the best from the SEC is shaping up to be, potentially, one of the greatest championship battles of our time. Think Texas over SC in 2005 only with entire conferences hanging on the brink awaiting their opportunity to claim bragging rights. All things considered, the five teams vying for the opportunity to go spleen hunting against the opposition stand about even at this point. Well, maybe not Bama. Texas, Tech, and Oklahoma would all present amazing problems for the potential SEC opponents in the same ways. We’re all 18 year-old star quarterbacks. We look good on camera, girls like us, we score quick (wink), we make huge mistakes (Blake Gideon), we wink, we get away with anything and everything (douchey high-five), we don’t snuggle and we don’t call afterwards. We’re dangerous.
Florida and Alabama, on the other hand, are two very different teams. Florida approaches our role model status but they are the Chance Mock to our Chris Simms. They are the cock strong, not so pretty version of us that can blow a mediocre team out one week and struggle against another one the next. The Tide are a mystery. They are the handicapped kid from high school with the G.I. Joe backpack who randomly barks at people as they stare in the hallway. Innocently asking if anyone has seen his baseball in one minute and the next, this scrappy beast will unleash unparalleled strength on any who oppose it; removing limbs from flesh and tossing them in the air to celebrate victory while dancing around to Bell Biv Devoe’s “Poison” playing in his head. Yes, I took my medication today.
The reality is, and we all seem to agree here, that Alabama can’t (and won’t) beat Florida. Not at home, not at a neutral sight, not in middle earth, and not in Gainesville. The Gators are destined for another appearance in the national championship game. Let’s see if we can do what the Buckeyes failed to do two seasons ago: Compete.
For football junkies like myself, it is actually pretty exciting to know that we will get our own version of the Toilet Bowl this season when Washington and Wazzu take the field for the Apple Cup. It has gotten so bad in Pullman, recruits are actually opting to go to Idaho.
Washington Huskies
Washington State Cougars
North Texas Mean Green
1. Texas Tech 10-0- A buddy of mine; let’s call him MB; shared with me this summer that his Red Raiders were to be the Big XII toast. I laughed in his drunk little face and reminded him of the history of mediocrity that we had all become accustomed to out of Lubbock. We discussed the shortcomings of Hodges, the concussions of Kliff Kingsbury, and “the Chance Mock game.” (Wow, two Mock references in one issue. When will that ever happen again?) Hat is off, buddy. I had no idea they would be the Big XII’s version of Megatron. After pulling our pants down in the last second to reveal an assless jock strap, old Red Raider did what to Okie Lite what just about every bartender in Hollywood has done to Lindsay Lohan. Mike “I’s hammered drunk” Leach has positioned this team for the unthinkable: A Big XII championship. Yes, Tech fans; in athletics. Not Beer Pong, not washers, not most sand collected or beer consumed before 10 am. In athletics! That is, of course, if old Leachy can figure out how to beat the old Boss in Norman. My God, I can’t believe I am about to say this, Go Sooners…and I just threw up.
2. Alabama 10-0- Just don’t go and pull a Penn State on us. We really do want to care about the SEC Championship game.
3. Florida 8-1- In evaluating the past four years, I am left wondering how many championships that Urban Meyer’s contract with Satan stipulates. It’s either that or God seriously loves Trucker hats, wife beater t-shirts, and Emmitt Smith.
4. Texas 9-1- I guess we can all be glad that Colt chose Baylor as the game where he would allow himself to play like a pissed off teenager. I am not talking about the two picks. I really don’t blame either on him. I am talking about the 104 mph balls he was throwing to Quan and Ship from five yards away when there wasn’t a defender within 8 yards. I am also talking about the four “draws” that he chose where he put his head and shoulders down to take hits rather than slide or head out of bounds. It was clear (and AWESOME) to see that Colt took the Tech loss personally and he was, well, PISSED! When Opie gets pissed, everybody gets pissed, and opposing receivers get their heads cracked. This has to continue over the next several weeks with poll-driving victories needed over Kansas and Aggie. Let’s just say SCREW IT and hang 60 on Mangino and Sherm. Hell, I don’t even like those guys.
5. Oklahoma 9-1- Don’t make me say it again.
6. USC 8-1- You thought you had a chance to get into the Championship game again? Even with a loss against a mediocre team in one of the worst conferences in all of college football? That’s cute.
7. Utah 10-0- Dammit TCU! Now we have to listen to the whimpering and whining of yet another non-BCS team rambling on about how they deserve respect and deserve to be in contention for the title. Lord! This team couldn’t hold Tebow’s spit cup or Colt’s bible. Put them in the Fiesta Bowl against Pitt so they can win over a “real” team and feel better about themselves.
8. Penn State 9-1- How awesome will it be to see Joe take the Lions into the Rose Bowl to face USC in what should be his last game. At the conclusion of that game, regardless of the score, when Joe is hoisted up on the Penn State players’ shoulders because he is both awesome and old, there won’t be a dry eye in College Football Nation. Go Joe!
9. Boise State 9-0- When Chris Peterson leaves for Washington, is Boise State finally done?
10. Georgia 8-2- Guys, don’t worry. The Cotton Bowl has like 92,000 seats now and the neighborhood is actually somewhat improved from it’s previous South-Central LA feel. No need to even bring the shotguns.
11. Ohio State 8-2- Did you notice how we stopped caring after the Penn State game?
12. Missouri 8-2- Chase Daniel has a faux-hawk, sometimes wears a skull cap, sports a pencil beard, and is a Mega Douche. He also hangs with Warren Buffett. Conclusion- Warren Buffett is a rich Mega Douche. Wait, isn’t this supposed to be about football?
13. Oklahoma State 8-2- That irregular form in your backside is what we refer to as a mudhole. They are generally stomped into your ass when you are completely outmatched.
14. Ball State 10-0- This is still happening? The MAC is still considered Division I?
15. Michigan State 9-2- It sucks to be the team that has truly overachieved in an overrated conference only to be rewarded with the Alamo Bowl at the end of the season. Have fun getting crushed by whichever poor bastard Big XII team ends up here with you!
16. North Carolina 7-2- Next week’s headline in the Chapel Hill paper: “Seven UNC Students’ brains spontaneously explode at the thought of having to care about football during basketball season.” Right next to this headline: “Excedrin new official sponsor of the month of November in the state of North Carolina.”
17. BYU 9-1- Max Hall is the new Steve Young. There, I said it.
18. TCU 9-2- I am so wicked pissed at you, Gary. Leaving the offense on the bus to warm the seats for your precious Defense was a horrible idea. Almost as bad as the time we let Jake finish a fifth of Gin before a cow tipping expedition. When you watch a friend try to tip a bovine for a lap dance, you feel like you have seen everything.
19. Florida State 7-2- Is it me or does Bobby Bowden look like he smells like bourbon and peppermints? I don’t how but this guy is winning with some of the most unproven talent he has ever had. It is incredible to watch this team blunder itself into victories.
20. Pitt 7-2- This team, sitting at 20, is going to win the Big East and thus play in a BCS game. For those who aren’t already ripping their hair out over this notion, I will repeat…
21. LSU 6-3- Remember when you had a quarterback? Those were good times.
22. South Carolina 7-3- Spurrier cracks the Top 25 just in time to be staring down the barrels of the Gatlin gun that is Florida.
23. Cincinnati 7-2- What exactly is a Bearkat, anyway? Is this some mythical creature dreamt up by a bored kid from Ohio who wanted to develop a manimal that could potentially protect the entire human race from all evils?
24. Tulsa 8-1- Todd Graham has maybe two more seasons here before the big schools start throwing Mercedes full of cash at his doorstep. Want a prediction? How about Mike Leach to Washington and Todd Graham to Tech?
25. Wake Forest 6-3- This spot is a toss up to about eight different under achievers and I just like Jim Grobe. I like his musk.
Look, I like Joe Paterno just as much as anybody and I would love to see him hobble up to the podium next that Crystal trophy, salivating, and longing for creamed corn…but just like the rest of you that aren’t Big Ten pumpers, I was thanking the almighty for the Penn State loss at Iowa. Why? Because Big Ten football is like Girls’ soccer this season. Because I would rather watch two middle of the road ACC teams go head to head than catch a run-at-all-cost offense try to penetrate a slow defense that loads the line on every play. Because watching rednecks drive billboards around in circles is more appealing than 90% of last week’s conference match-ups. The Big Ten lacks speed in masses and any inkling of ingenuity. Spread HD? The only thing I am seeing in high definition on the field at State College is Urban Meyer’s offense from 7 years ago and the crater-like pores on the players’ faces. If Penn State was the juggernaut we were all begging them to be this year, the Iowa loss would be devastating. Instead, it is justice for a conference that seems to be about five years behind the rest of the country. Terrelle Pryor will welcome you all to the future. Enjoy it. We in the Big XII and the SEC have been living in it for half of a decade.
The inevitable matchup of the best from the Big XII vs. the best from the SEC is shaping up to be, potentially, one of the greatest championship battles of our time. Think Texas over SC in 2005 only with entire conferences hanging on the brink awaiting their opportunity to claim bragging rights. All things considered, the five teams vying for the opportunity to go spleen hunting against the opposition stand about even at this point. Well, maybe not Bama. Texas, Tech, and Oklahoma would all present amazing problems for the potential SEC opponents in the same ways. We’re all 18 year-old star quarterbacks. We look good on camera, girls like us, we score quick (wink), we make huge mistakes (Blake Gideon), we wink, we get away with anything and everything (douchey high-five), we don’t snuggle and we don’t call afterwards. We’re dangerous.
Florida and Alabama, on the other hand, are two very different teams. Florida approaches our role model status but they are the Chance Mock to our Chris Simms. They are the cock strong, not so pretty version of us that can blow a mediocre team out one week and struggle against another one the next. The Tide are a mystery. They are the handicapped kid from high school with the G.I. Joe backpack who randomly barks at people as they stare in the hallway. Innocently asking if anyone has seen his baseball in one minute and the next, this scrappy beast will unleash unparalleled strength on any who oppose it; removing limbs from flesh and tossing them in the air to celebrate victory while dancing around to Bell Biv Devoe’s “Poison” playing in his head. Yes, I took my medication today.
The reality is, and we all seem to agree here, that Alabama can’t (and won’t) beat Florida. Not at home, not at a neutral sight, not in middle earth, and not in Gainesville. The Gators are destined for another appearance in the national championship game. Let’s see if we can do what the Buckeyes failed to do two seasons ago: Compete.
For football junkies like myself, it is actually pretty exciting to know that we will get our own version of the Toilet Bowl this season when Washington and Wazzu take the field for the Apple Cup. It has gotten so bad in Pullman, recruits are actually opting to go to Idaho.
Washington Huskies
Washington State Cougars
North Texas Mean Green
1. Texas Tech 10-0- A buddy of mine; let’s call him MB; shared with me this summer that his Red Raiders were to be the Big XII toast. I laughed in his drunk little face and reminded him of the history of mediocrity that we had all become accustomed to out of Lubbock. We discussed the shortcomings of Hodges, the concussions of Kliff Kingsbury, and “the Chance Mock game.” (Wow, two Mock references in one issue. When will that ever happen again?) Hat is off, buddy. I had no idea they would be the Big XII’s version of Megatron. After pulling our pants down in the last second to reveal an assless jock strap, old Red Raider did what to Okie Lite what just about every bartender in Hollywood has done to Lindsay Lohan. Mike “I’s hammered drunk” Leach has positioned this team for the unthinkable: A Big XII championship. Yes, Tech fans; in athletics. Not Beer Pong, not washers, not most sand collected or beer consumed before 10 am. In athletics! That is, of course, if old Leachy can figure out how to beat the old Boss in Norman. My God, I can’t believe I am about to say this, Go Sooners…and I just threw up.
2. Alabama 10-0- Just don’t go and pull a Penn State on us. We really do want to care about the SEC Championship game.
3. Florida 8-1- In evaluating the past four years, I am left wondering how many championships that Urban Meyer’s contract with Satan stipulates. It’s either that or God seriously loves Trucker hats, wife beater t-shirts, and Emmitt Smith.
4. Texas 9-1- I guess we can all be glad that Colt chose Baylor as the game where he would allow himself to play like a pissed off teenager. I am not talking about the two picks. I really don’t blame either on him. I am talking about the 104 mph balls he was throwing to Quan and Ship from five yards away when there wasn’t a defender within 8 yards. I am also talking about the four “draws” that he chose where he put his head and shoulders down to take hits rather than slide or head out of bounds. It was clear (and AWESOME) to see that Colt took the Tech loss personally and he was, well, PISSED! When Opie gets pissed, everybody gets pissed, and opposing receivers get their heads cracked. This has to continue over the next several weeks with poll-driving victories needed over Kansas and Aggie. Let’s just say SCREW IT and hang 60 on Mangino and Sherm. Hell, I don’t even like those guys.
5. Oklahoma 9-1- Don’t make me say it again.
6. USC 8-1- You thought you had a chance to get into the Championship game again? Even with a loss against a mediocre team in one of the worst conferences in all of college football? That’s cute.
7. Utah 10-0- Dammit TCU! Now we have to listen to the whimpering and whining of yet another non-BCS team rambling on about how they deserve respect and deserve to be in contention for the title. Lord! This team couldn’t hold Tebow’s spit cup or Colt’s bible. Put them in the Fiesta Bowl against Pitt so they can win over a “real” team and feel better about themselves.
8. Penn State 9-1- How awesome will it be to see Joe take the Lions into the Rose Bowl to face USC in what should be his last game. At the conclusion of that game, regardless of the score, when Joe is hoisted up on the Penn State players’ shoulders because he is both awesome and old, there won’t be a dry eye in College Football Nation. Go Joe!
9. Boise State 9-0- When Chris Peterson leaves for Washington, is Boise State finally done?
10. Georgia 8-2- Guys, don’t worry. The Cotton Bowl has like 92,000 seats now and the neighborhood is actually somewhat improved from it’s previous South-Central LA feel. No need to even bring the shotguns.
11. Ohio State 8-2- Did you notice how we stopped caring after the Penn State game?
12. Missouri 8-2- Chase Daniel has a faux-hawk, sometimes wears a skull cap, sports a pencil beard, and is a Mega Douche. He also hangs with Warren Buffett. Conclusion- Warren Buffett is a rich Mega Douche. Wait, isn’t this supposed to be about football?
13. Oklahoma State 8-2- That irregular form in your backside is what we refer to as a mudhole. They are generally stomped into your ass when you are completely outmatched.
14. Ball State 10-0- This is still happening? The MAC is still considered Division I?
15. Michigan State 9-2- It sucks to be the team that has truly overachieved in an overrated conference only to be rewarded with the Alamo Bowl at the end of the season. Have fun getting crushed by whichever poor bastard Big XII team ends up here with you!
16. North Carolina 7-2- Next week’s headline in the Chapel Hill paper: “Seven UNC Students’ brains spontaneously explode at the thought of having to care about football during basketball season.” Right next to this headline: “Excedrin new official sponsor of the month of November in the state of North Carolina.”
17. BYU 9-1- Max Hall is the new Steve Young. There, I said it.
18. TCU 9-2- I am so wicked pissed at you, Gary. Leaving the offense on the bus to warm the seats for your precious Defense was a horrible idea. Almost as bad as the time we let Jake finish a fifth of Gin before a cow tipping expedition. When you watch a friend try to tip a bovine for a lap dance, you feel like you have seen everything.
19. Florida State 7-2- Is it me or does Bobby Bowden look like he smells like bourbon and peppermints? I don’t how but this guy is winning with some of the most unproven talent he has ever had. It is incredible to watch this team blunder itself into victories.
20. Pitt 7-2- This team, sitting at 20, is going to win the Big East and thus play in a BCS game. For those who aren’t already ripping their hair out over this notion, I will repeat…
21. LSU 6-3- Remember when you had a quarterback? Those were good times.
22. South Carolina 7-3- Spurrier cracks the Top 25 just in time to be staring down the barrels of the Gatlin gun that is Florida.
23. Cincinnati 7-2- What exactly is a Bearkat, anyway? Is this some mythical creature dreamt up by a bored kid from Ohio who wanted to develop a manimal that could potentially protect the entire human race from all evils?
24. Tulsa 8-1- Todd Graham has maybe two more seasons here before the big schools start throwing Mercedes full of cash at his doorstep. Want a prediction? How about Mike Leach to Washington and Todd Graham to Tech?
25. Wake Forest 6-3- This spot is a toss up to about eight different under achievers and I just like Jim Grobe. I like his musk.
As requested, here are the Top 4 GP Heisman picks headed into the last couple of weeks (in order):
Graham Harrell
Colt McCoy
Sam Bradford
Michael Crabtree
Notre Dame vs. Navy
South Carolina at Florida
BYU at Air Force
Boston College at Florida State
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2 comments:
I pulled all of this from ESPN drive charts for games against UT, KS, KSU, NU, and A&M.
I am considering any drive that doesn't end in points a failure. So punts, fumbles, interceptions, turnover on downs, and missed field goals.
In the first half of these games.
OU Punts: 8
TT Punts: 2
OU Fumbles: 0
TT Fumbles: 2
OU INT: 1
TT INT: 1
OU On Downs: 2
TT On Downs: 1
OU Missed FG: 3
TT Missed FG: 0
OU Total Failed Drives: 14
TT Total Failed Drives: 6
Second Half
OU Punts: 14
TT Punts: 7
OU Fumbles: 1
TT Fumbles: 1
OU INT: 1
TT INT: 2
OU On Downs: 4
TT On Downs: 0
OU Missed FG: 1
TT Missed FG: 2
OU Total Failed Drives: 21
TT Total Failed Drives: 12
Of the two unstoppable offenses ours is more unstoppable.
No disagreement here. I fully expect you guys to win this game and play for the National Championship.
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