GP.2008.8

The Renegade College Football Newsletter

On the West Coast, the “Game of the Year” was starting at 9am so yours truly was up at 6:30 for a shower, two cups of coffee, and Corso cursing during GameDay. I was actually praying that Will Muschamp would see him put the Sooner Schooner on his head and the charge him like rabid bull in heat. A talk with Jake about the importance of our speed on defense and underpants at 8:30 followed by a cocktail to settle the nerves at 8:45 (didn’t work) and I was ready to challenge the entire OU band to a fistfight by kickoff.

Mack Brown stated earlier in the week that we really didn’t know anything about this team until this game. That being said, we learned a ton:

Colt McCoy (Mustang McClanahan as my wife so lovingly calls him) has balls the size of watermelons and is more than earning the Heisman hype. Jordan Shipley is the fastest white boy since Steve Tasker and Quan Cosby could catch a cannonball shot from fourteen feet away with a hand tied behind his back holding an angry chicken.

We also learned that Will Muschamp can take an inexperienced defensive unit and turn them into a championship caliber squad that attacks like the opposing offense is the beachfront at Normandy. Phil Loadholt was holding Brian Orakpo like he was a box full of Krispy Kremes and Rak STILL ended up with two sacks. Roddrick Muckelroy showed that he truly is the best linebacker we’ve had since a certain Derrick Johnson angrily roamed the 40 acres, and Sergio Kindle makes every tackle like he looks forward to visiting his opponent in the ICU later in the evening. Sam Bradford is still trying to get the cleat marks of his back and those haunting voices out of his head. Take note, Chase Daniel.

In summary, this team played like the best team in the country while LOOKING like the best team in the country. In the beauty contest that is the polls, we were Giselle Bundchen walking the runway covered in melted cheddar. We even get GameDay for the second week in a row. Hook ‘Em!

Clemson’s mid-season firing, sorry, “forced resignation” of Tommy Bowden came as a surprise to no one considering how highly regarded the Tigers were to start the season and how miserable they have looked since Alabama. It’s been like a horror film with no ending over these last few years. Think about the feeling you got when walking out of the theatre after viewing the third installment of “Scream.” “Seriously (insert girlfriend’s name), if you make me see one more of these…” A number of names have already surfaced as options for the job. Namely, Bobby Johnson (graduated from Clemson), Steve Spurrier (will never happen), Skip Holtz (Really?), and Will Muschamp (Don’t even freaking think about it!) top the list. We at GP would like to submit our own option. How about Dennis Franchione? Perfect fit. He is a short-sighted recruiter who knows how to lie to get 5-star players, is familiar with how the game is played in the South, is coming directly from a school whose city is populated completely by backwards thinking conservative fundamentalists (College Station is way worse, trust me), and will keep up the douche bag factor at your head coaching position. Ah, we’re just kidding. Hire Bobby Johnson and get it over with already. Go Tigers!

Can’t say I have ever been more pleased to write a top 25!!!!!!!!!!

1. Texas 6-0- It feels amazing. It really does. The defense is slaughtering expectations and I only yelled at Greg Davis four times throughout the entire game on Saturday. This is a significant improvement from his average of 20 times a game from last season. Look out, nation. Greg Davis found creativity in big games. He shall name it, Major, and will no longer be afraid to use it.

2. Penn State 7-0- There are people who have watched this team and honestly believe that they won’t win the Big Ten. These people have an illness known as Crazy- usually found in females who live in or near Hollywood or people living anywhere where temperatures fall below 35 degrees.

3. Alabama 6-0- The Tide have an honest chance of running the table with the only real threat left being a trip to Baton Rouge. The Tide have exploded in games that are supposed to be close and have played poorly in games that they should win easily. Thus, the road to perfection isn’t exactly paved gold with Ole Miss, Tennessee and Auburn.

4. Oklahoma 5-1- Take nothing away from the Sooners. Sam Bradford is amazing and he guides an offense that shouldn’t lose another game the rest of the way regardless of a pass defense with more holes than an O.J. Simpson alibi.

5. Texas Tech 6-0- OT? Against Nebraska? Let me guess: Harrell had one of his usual in-game conniption fits when his offense couldn’t drive up and down the field with reckless abandon. His personal self-destruction resulted in his entire offense struggling through the second half and a closer game than any of us would have bet on. Yeah, too easy.

6. USC 4-1- When your quarterback plays like he left his brain in his locker behind the Old Spice, it helps to have an NFL caliber defense and an opponent who practically turned into a mid-level Mountain West team.

7. Oklahoma State 6-0- Dude, thanks for ruining the possibility of a #1 vs. #2 match-up this week. You all but ruined our ESPN GameDay celebration and you pissed of Kirk Herbstreit. Herby likes his top ranked match-ups and Herby does not forget.

8. BYU 6-0- For the first time this season, the Cougars will be playing against a real defense when they play TCU. This means that they are going to call their “serious” plays and wear their “big boy” uniforms. How fun.

9. Florida 5-1- I know, I know. I should have them higher than this and I will, trust me. I am just still pissed that they could annihilate an impressive force like LSU yet lose to a team coached by Houston Nutt. It makes as much sense as the Bailout Plan or not having cheerleaders at Texas A&M.

10. Georgia 5-1- Most overrated 5-1 team in the country. Hate to say it.

11. Utah 7-0- Most overrated undefeated team in the country. I really feel no remorse for that statement.

12. Ohio State 6-1- The Bucks have a better O-Line and a deadly D-line that will bottle up Javon Ringer and reestablish the Buckeye championship possibilities that have been blemished since that day in Los Angeles that everyone in Columbus has tried desperately to forget.

13. Missouri 5-1- There is no question that this weekend is Chase Daniel’s opportunity to prove that he shouldn’t have been overlooked by the Texas coaches in favor of Colt McCoy. All 5’8” (including faux hawk) of him. The Gnome of Columbus will put his points on the board but the bottom-line will be whether or not the Tiger D can put a stop to what is a lethal Longhorn O.

14. LSU 4-1- 51-21 is what one might refer to as reality.

15. Virginia Tech 5-1- All I keep hearing are talking heads on College Football shows discussing how they don’t have any offense. They’ve NEVER had an offense and it has never mattered.

16. Boise State 5-0- Winning the WAC is like being the smartest kid on the short bus. Acknowledgement of your accomplishment is a pizza party at Chuck E Cheese and personalized coloring books.

17. North Carolina 5-1- The Tar Heels haven’t beaten Virginia in Charlottesville in 13 straight tries. Good news: UVA is obscenely horrible this year. They lost to Duke. Duke! In football.

18. Kansas 5-1- That pissed off mob awaiting you in that God forsaken town in Oklahoma? Those are Sooners after an unexpected loss to Texas. This will not be pretty.

19. South Florida 5-1- Still holding on to Big East title hopes like it's Linus' blanket.

20. Wake Forest 4-1- Deacons are staying impressive in a very unimpressive conference. Enough so that voters are still paying attention to them and are willing to admit that they are a decent football team. See how that works?

21. Michigan State 6-1- Nobody, not even Mark Dantonio, believes that this team is playing this well. Somehow, in the age of passing the ball until your quarterback’s arm falls off, Sparty is running the football and winning.

22. Pittsburgh 4-1- Dave Wannstedt is still popping the crazy pills in Steeltown where “poetry is about Percocet and pecan logs.” As much as this town is insane about the Steelers, Davie’s got 65,000 showing up at Heinz field.

23. Vanderbilt 5-1- This top 25 appearance MIGHT last as long as Pacman Jones’ appearance in the defensive backfield in Dallas before his next suspension. Whup. No, Vandy lasted longer.

24. Ball State 7-0- Yeah, I really don’t know how to explain this either. They’re a MAC team with MAC opponents. What do you want me to say?

25. California 4-1- It was the Bears or Tulsa in this slot and you just have to believe that in a death match between the two, a Golden Bear would take down a Golden Hurricane. This is, of course, assuming that a Golden Hurricane is some kind of special drink sold at the Tulsa T.G.I. Friday’s and not a wreckless spiraling wind laced in urine.

As requested, here are the Top 5 GP Heisman picks so far:
Chase Daniel- Missouri
Sam Bradford- Oklahoma
Colt McCoy- Texas
Javon Ringer- Michigan State
Graham Harrell- Texas Tech

BYU at TCU
Virginia Tech at Boston College
Vanderbilt at Georgia
Ohio State at Michigan State
Missouri at Texas
Kansas at Oklahoma
LSU at South Carolina



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