GP.2008.2

The Renegade College Football Newsletter

Whoa! Week 1 is over and what have we learned? Well, we learned that Michigan is in some real trouble until Rich can get his own recruits and prove that it wasn’t just Pat White and Steve Slaton that made WVU so great. Yeah, I totally said that just now. We learned that we were wrong about our choice for Best Off-season hire: Is it too late to change it to Neuheisel? We learned that Tennessee misses David Cutcliffe as the Offensive Coordinator more than Dorothy missed home. Did I just use a Wizard of Oz reference?

We learned that Alabama is, in fact, good (was that really John Parker Wilson out there?) and Texas A&M really does suck. Really, Aggies? Arkansas State? At this time, we at Grayson Publication would like to point out that we called Mike Sherman the worst off-season hire. Bow. Wave. Thank You. POOOR AGGIES!

Seeing as the GP crew was in Austin for the first Texas game of the season Saturday, my view of the bulldozer that ran over Clemson was somewhat limited. Hey, I’m not sure if you’re aware but Nick Saban knows how to recruit guys to Alabama. He may be offering Escalades, laundry bags full of cash, and all of the Dairy Queens that these guys can possibly rob but he is getting guys that are there to play. Take note, Tommy Bowden. Heath Bar Blizzard, anybody?

We did get to take in a large part of Pete Carroll’s offensive masterpiece on Saturday at the tailgate and yes, it did seem like every time I would shotgun a beer the Trojans would score again. Yeah, the win was impressive. Yes, Slick Rick Neuheisel had a little lemonade running down his leg at the very sight of Sanchez to Hazelton but there is no reason that the Trojans should have jumped Georgia for the #1 spot. What, just because they actually played a Division I team and no one else in the top 5 did? I’m sorry but Virginia MIGHT beat Duke this season and should probably be nervous about next week’s opponent, Richmond, coming to town.

Speaking of which, what the hell is going on in the ACC? Virginia gets hose-spanked, the Tar Heels barely beat Little Company of Mary, and next thing you know, I am getting the Lou Holtz spit shower after his son pulls the upset of East Carolina’s history by beating up on the Hokies. Simmer down, Lou. Skip did not just win the National Championship. Is Wake Forest really the team we have to look forward to? Can Ralph Friedgen really eat that many cheeseburgers? Is Duke really 1-0? Did someone spike my drink with ether?

Let’s just get to the Top 25.


1. Florida 1-0- How do you hang 56 points on an opponent that played in the Sugar Bowl a year earlier without looking like an a-hole about it? Well, you’re Florida. You run the ball, you score some touchdowns, you shrug your shoulders and point at the cheerleaders: The facts of life. The facts of life.

2. USC 1-0- Coaches, when Pete Carroll calls and asks if you want to schedule a non-conference game with him to start the season, you say “No.” Pete will use this off week to key in on Ohio State and decide which of his 11 running backs he might want to use. Brian Cushing will use it to clean Cavalier out of his cleats.

3. Oklahoma 1-0- Sooner fans are hilarious. A 57-2 victory and they’re pissed about the allowed safety. I understand that some are also pissed that Cousin Jimbo cut his mullet and wore a full-sleeved shirt to the game. The nerve!

4. Ohio State 1-0- I know you’ve been hearing it all week but seriously, don’t worry. It’s not like your Heisman candidate and only hope at a National Championship went down with what could be a nagging injury that will limit his playing time for the rest of the season, if not, cause him to miss some games. Oh wait…

5. Georgia 1-0- Three touchdowns in the second half by Georgia Southern? Did UGA poop in Mark Richt’s shoes afterwards? I know that you have to feel bad for the tiny, never gonna make it guys down the highway but come on!

6. Texas 1-0- A word of advice for any Sun Belt conference coach whose team opens the season with a major opponent. DO NOT TALK TRASH ABOUT SAID OPPONENT THE WEEK BEFORE THE GAME! You will get Muschamped! And yes, our DC is now an action word describing what it means to be pummeled. This is also what is known as verb for all you Aggies out there. Not tough? How does 52-10 and cleat marks up your running back’s helmet feel, Schnellenberger? Stick that in your flask and sip it. No, not you, Jake. I’m talking to him, stop…dammit.

7. Missouri 1-0- Yeah, I think we get it. You have an offense. Congratulations. You’re the new Texas Tech and Chase Daniel is Cody Hodges with legs. How is it that we don’t get to see Harrell vs. Daniel and Maclin vs. Crabtree again this year?

8. Auburn 1-0- Tommy Tuberville changes his mind about quarterbacks as often as Brittany Spears changes her mind about being white trash. Tommy, it doesn’t matter what you do with the ball. As long as your defense continues to have piss and vinegar running through their veins, you don’t have much to worry about. No, I’m serious. Did you catch the hit video from this game? I felt like Smokey from Big Lebowski and I was entering a world of pain.

9. South Florida 1-0- The Bulls are this year’s Kansas only with a lot less corn and a lot more Miami dropouts…and a Coach who doesn’t binge on Twinkie cream. Had to. These guys flat outwork you and that is a token to the personality that Jim Leavitt brings to the job every day.

10. West Virginia 1-0- Pat White can drop back and throw all he wants against the likes of Villanova but when it comes to Big Boy football like what will be played on Saturday against ECU, we better see some speed spread O. Hell, I could’ve thrown for 3 touchdowns against the Wildcats. What do you want? A Milano?

11. Texas Tech 1-0- Oh, you were right, Raider fans. The Wreck ‘em Crew defense is sure fire and spitting lightning. Holding E. Washington (Division 2) to 24 points? That’s impressive. Picking up a little bit of sarcasm? I will do my best to not expect it against Nevada. Prediction? Tech 54 Nevada- 27. Harrell to Crabtree for 4 scores.

12. LSU 1-0- How much did it sting for Michigan fans to watch the coach they couldn’t get crush the Division II team they couldn’t beat? Did it add just a splash of lemon juice to the salt that was already in the wound? Did it feel like when you go to the beach and you get that ridiculous amount of sand in your eye when the Frisbee lands just short? Did it remind you of trying to open a sealed lid with all your might only to bend your finger nail so far back you cut the skin underneath? Are you gritting your teeth yet? Geaux Tigers!

13. Alabama 1-0- Well Rammer Jammer Freaking Yellow Hammer! Check Wilson for steroids, check Julio Jones’ checking account, and find out if Nick Saban put Go-Go juice in the Gatorade. You want to talk most impressive team from Saturday? It was Bama! Numbered helmets and all. Roll Tide!

14. Wisconsin 1-0- Without two turnovers in the second quarter, no way Akron stays as close as they did. Personally, I think someone was on the take as they magically avoided the 26.5 point line. Magically.

15. Arizona State 1-0- When you barely beat a Division II team that resides at the base of the Grand Canyon (Translation- middle of nowhere meaning how could they possibly have any athletes) people start to question whether you can actually play with the other powers in the Pac 10. Something to keep in mind while getting ready for the fighting Harbaughs.

16. Penn State 1-0- In the postgame news conference following the 66-10 crushing of Coastal Carolina, Coach Paterno asked for a warm glass of milk, some Efferdent in a glass for his teeth, a piece of toffee, and for one of the reporters to sit on his lap while he told the story of the Nittany Lion. They are this good and he is that old.

17. Oregon 1-0- Does it really matter who is playing quarterback when you can hand the ball off to Jeremiah Johnson and your defense makes the opposing star quarterback look like a trained monkey without cymbals. Washington is that bad but the Ducks are also that good. Even with awful uniforms. That was for you, Papa Cruz.

18. Clemson 0-1- Tommy, Tommy, Tommy. (Sigh) Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.

19. South Carolina 1-0- I think Spurrier really focuses his starting QB decision on whose name sucks worse: Beecher, Smelley, Smiggenpotts. It’s a really tough job.

20. California 1-0- You gotta hand it to Jeff Tedford. The guy is willing to put some actual competition on the schedule. He is taking a page from Pete Carroll’s playbook and getting his boys ready to play against tough competition every week. Except for this week, of course, but you have to play Washington State. They are still in the conference.

21. BYU 1-0- Against Washington, Max Hall will throw for 330 yards, 4 touchdowns and will convert several formerly paroled UW athletes to the Church of Latter Day Saints. Is there an over/under for that in BYU games? Well, there should be.

22. Kansas 1-0- The scary thing for this team is that there are experts who are expecting the game against Louisiana Tech to be close. I’m not sure if I would go that far but if it is, I am willing to bet that Mangino finds a way to blame the BCS. Dollar signs!

23. Utah 1-0- I just love how the boys at ESPN are looking at the victory over Michigan like a leprechaun just jumped out of their butts with a pot of gold. Shock. Disbelief. Painful. Really? Who didn’t see this coming? Utah is potential BCS buster and Michigan is rebuilding like a tornado hit. ‘Nuff said. Oh, hey Leprechaun.

24. UCLA 1-0-.Rick Neuheisel is officially BACK is already pulling off wins he shouldn’t. No one saw this coming. Not me, not Colin Cowherd, not Rick himself, not even Matilda the crazy Psychic at the dingy motel down the street who picks my games for me. Dewayne Walker was made to look like a genius the way he handled the Tennessee offense and the new OC at Tennessee might be coaching quarterbacks on junior high club teams this time next week. Can Slick Rick keep this up? Only if the defense can continue to play out of their minds and he can teach his QB that they are the guys in the powder blue.

25. Fresno State 1-0- Pat “Power of the Stache” Hill is crazy. Absolutely out of his mind nuts for traveling all over the country to play whoever will schedule his team. His players are also crazy for agreeing to attend college in Fresno. If you haven’t been, don’t go and if you have, I know a doctor who keeps loads penicillin in stock. How do you not love this attitude and this team?

Georgia Tech at Boston College- Our first look into dismal ACC conference play. It should look like a slower version of Texas High School football.

Ole Miss at Wake Forest- I am calling for the upset! Jevan Snead and company travel into Winston-Salem and add to the existing ACC meltdown.

Miami at Florida

East Carolina at West Virginia

Yes, this is going to be a “slow” week for college football with very few marquee matchups so use this weekend to hit Home Depot, take the kids to the park, or visit the motor home pool for your weekly shower as next week is going to be insane from morning to night. Until next week, Get Muschamped!


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