Monday, April 13, 2009
Friday, December 26, 2008
Bowl Issue Volume II
Back to the matter at hand. I am so incredibly tempted to take this opportunity to expound upon the failures of a certain island based football team. Or maybe even discuss at length the similarities between Jaba the Hut with a flat top and Charlie Weis. Honestly, Charlie Weis in a ley? ESPN, even "three fries short of a Happy Meal" Lou Holtz knew that was intentional comedy. That, or utter torture. Did we need that many shots of him in the booth. It was like watching Mama Cass mouth her lyrics into a speaker box just before murdering a ham sandy.
No, well get to all that in the Post-season issue. For now, let's stick to the bowls. Round 2.
Dec. 27
Meineke Car Care Bowl
North Carolina vs. West Virginia
Breakdown- This is your last opportunity to see Pat "ass Rocket Smurf" White before you see him returning punts for touchdowns against your favorite NFL team. That is all the reason you need to tune in but if you want more, this should be a phenomenal game between two teams that (based on talent) should have won their respective conferences. Prediction: Pat White goes for 200/100.
Champs Sports Bowl
Wisconsin vs. Florida State
Breakdown- Two offenses that have found their identity like Courtney Love has found Jesus. I hope you like defense and the 100 faces of Bobby Bowden. That estranged look somewhat resembling constipation mixed with a craving for spiced meat: that's Bobby's look of frustration. It's been the same face pretty much all year. Prediction: The under will be reset at 34 before kickoff.
Emerald Bowl
Miami vs. California
Breakdown- This is Randy Shannon's chance to show that his troops at Miami have shaken the Shug Knight image that riddled this program for so many years. That this team can win and win in big games without wideouts who carry the operating budget of Thailand in their pocket. Prediction: Won't happen. Just look at the line and make a judgement. The Cal offense should roll no matter who is playing QB.
Dec. 28
No, well get to all that in the Post-season issue. For now, let's stick to the bowls. Round 2.
Dec. 27
Meineke Car Care Bowl
North Carolina vs. West Virginia
Breakdown- This is your last opportunity to see Pat "ass Rocket Smurf" White before you see him returning punts for touchdowns against your favorite NFL team. That is all the reason you need to tune in but if you want more, this should be a phenomenal game between two teams that (based on talent) should have won their respective conferences. Prediction: Pat White goes for 200/100.
Champs Sports Bowl
Wisconsin vs. Florida State
Breakdown- Two offenses that have found their identity like Courtney Love has found Jesus. I hope you like defense and the 100 faces of Bobby Bowden. That estranged look somewhat resembling constipation mixed with a craving for spiced meat: that's Bobby's look of frustration. It's been the same face pretty much all year. Prediction: The under will be reset at 34 before kickoff.
Emerald Bowl
Miami vs. California
Breakdown- This is Randy Shannon's chance to show that his troops at Miami have shaken the Shug Knight image that riddled this program for so many years. That this team can win and win in big games without wideouts who carry the operating budget of Thailand in their pocket. Prediction: Won't happen. Just look at the line and make a judgement. The Cal offense should roll no matter who is playing QB.
Dec. 28
Independence Bowl- Shreveport, LA.
La. Tech vs. Northern Illinois
Breakdown- Practically a home game for Louisiana Tech. Not that it matters for a team that averages less per game than were in my graduating class at UT. 14 people who aren't attending the game will actually watch and 7 of those will be geriatrics who don't understand that it is La Tech and not LSU. Prediction- Do you really care? Neither do I. This is exactly what is wron with college football.
Dec. 29
Papajohns.com Bowl- Birmingham, AL.
NC State vs. Rutgers
Breakdown- Remember when Greg Schiano was wanted by every second tier school in the country pretending to be on the up and up. Then he lost Ray Rice. Mike Teel remembers those days vividly and is probably happier than Paris Hilton sitting on a mountain of diruetics that his days at RU are over. On the other side of the field, Tom O'Brien has a young QB in Glennon who is the epitome of Freshman. He will look like a seasoned veteran on the plays that he is comfortable with and like a 16 year-old girl walking through a fresh fart on the others. Prediction: Teel will make it his personal life's mission to come out with a win. When your last name matches that of the gayest shade of blue in the universe, your anger shouldn't be questioned.
Alamo Bowl- San Antonio, TX.
Northwestern vs. Missouri
Breakdown- After removing the hazard cone from their collective rear ends post conference championship game, the Missouri Tigers get the Big XII equivalent of the Jeopardy gift bag...Alamo Bowl. They deserve it. I don't know about the rest of you but I grew sick and tired of allowing my expectation cup to runneth over when concerning this team. Every time you expected to see the "real" Missouri, well, you did. They are a team packed full of overachievers outside of Coffman and Maclin. Yeah, that includes Daniel. All 5'10" 240lbs. of him. Prediction: They're playing a middle of the road Big Ten team. Do you really need guidance here?
Dec. 30th
Humanitarian Bowl- Boise, ID.
Maryland vs. Nevada
Breakdown- What, no Boise State in the Humanitarian Bowl? The blue field will instead play host to a what should be a great game that most of you will miss. It will a stout Maryland defense against an efficient Nevada offense that would challenge tougher defenses when clicking on all cylinders. Predicition- C'mon, I just want to see that Maryland receiver get lit up and throw up on the field again.
Texas Bowl- Houston, TX.
W. Michigan vs. Rice
Breakdown- Western Michigan is walking into a buzzsaw here. A. This is a home game for Rice. B. Jarrett Dillard is still a Rice Owl. C. David Bailiff is a very good game-day coach who will throw scheme out the window if he sees a more effective alternative. The Owls are more impressive than most imagined. They are Princeton headed into the NCAA tournament. On the surface they are a group of slow, white dudes with the collective athletic talent of the 3rd grade girl scouts. In reality, they are a disciplined machine moving the ball at will. Prediction: Take Rice BIG!
Holiday Bowl- San Diego, CA.
Oregon vs. Oklahoma State
Breakdown- This has to be one of the more exciting non-BCS games this season. Two Jekyll and Hyde teams who were once in the position to win their conference and end up in the BCS themselves. Both teams can really run the football as OSU has two running backs and Oregon seems to have 11. It will all come down to defense. Saw that coming, didn't you? Where these teams have really struggled is in the ability to shut down the opposition while the offense rolls freight-train style. Especially Oregon who scores every 120 seconds. Prediction: Oklahoma State will be able to shake up QB Masoli with disguised blitzes and man-on coverage. There is no speed difference so this game will be won in the trenches. Edge- Oregon.
Dec. 31st
Armed Forces Bowl- Fort Worth, TX.
Air Force vs. Houston
Breakdown- Anything resembling a running game is apparently sacreligious in Houston. Kevin Sumlin is afraid that the ground will open up and all that is unholy will rise from the burning beneath to engulf the city if he runs a draw. Air Force, on the other hand, will try to wishbone them to death with slow, undersized running backs taking advantage of overpursuing defenders. Prediction: I forgot to mention that neither team has any belief in defense so look for a high-scoring, big play game.
Sun Bowl- El Paso, TX.
Pittsburgh vs. Oregon State
Breakdown- Sun Bowl stadium might be the worst stadium to host a bowl game and El Paso might be the worst city. It is a complete culture shock to arive in dry, ugly EP, Texas for any team who doesn't frequent this part of Texas or certain parts of Mexico. The food delicious, the environment attrocious. Outside of the city issues, this bowl seems to be a no man's land for a team's successful tendencies. Thus, look for Oregon State to suddenly forget what the word coverage means and look for Pitt to limit the running game as they go ape through the air. Vegas insiders will be tossing up play cards like Wall Street investors and shaking their heads Spurrier style. Prediction: Tiny running back in orange and black leads huge 4th quarter comeback for Beaver victory.
Music City Bowl- Nashville, TN.
Vanderbilt vs. Boston College
Breakdown- This would seem to be a complete blowout as Jeff Jagodzinski has this BC team looking like that of last year's squad. The issue is that Vandy has more speed. Yes, Vanderbilt. The Rice of the SEC. It is also a home game for the Commodores. I know, lame mascot. Prediction: BC does exactly what we expect them to do. Namely, play shut down defense and methodically move down the field for sixes. Thus, yeah, blowout.
Insight Bowl- Tempe, AZ
Minnesota vs. Kansas
Breakdown- All of Hobbiton will be watching as it's beloved son, Todd Reesing tries to conjure Elvin magic against a tight Minny D. What Tim Brewster has done in Minnesota is nothing short of sensational. This team was 1-11 last season and plays every week with a Geo Metro-sized chip on it's shoulder. Prediction- Dezmon Briscoe.
Chick fil-A Bowl- Atlanta, GA.
LSU vs. Georgia Tech
Breakdown- Certainly the tastiest of Bowl games. For those who have never experienced Chick fil-A, go right now to the internet, find the closest store and drive there. You will immediately confirm the existence of a higher power after your first taste of those peanut oil fried chicken nuggets. Anyway, if LSU was worth a steaming pile this season, this might actually be a game. Somehow, the Tigers dropoff was more than any of us expected and somehow, the Paul Johnson hire at GT is a perfect match. I was the first person to question that hire. Admitting when I'm wrong. Prediction: It will be a struggle early. LSU does still play defense even if their quarterback is as useful as ice cream served on the sun. However, the Fighting Bees will eventually impose their will on offense and will put the game out of reach at the beginning of the 4th.
Jan. 1st
Outback Bowl- Tampa, FL
South Carolina vs. Iowa
Breakdown- I have to note that Phil Steele picked this game before the season started. That is exactly why I get Phil Steele's College Football before every season. There you go, Phil. I'll take my check now. The Hawks used a massive upset of Penn State to propel them through the remaining two games on the schedule, saving what was just another average .500 year in Iowa City. Impressive but they are still playing a team from the SEC. Prediction: Spurrier only removes the visor twice revealing what has always been a perfect coif of brown force. Locked intoa defensive battle early, the Roosters will eventually get it figured out at halftime.
Capital One Bowl- Orlando, FL.
Michigan State vs. Georgia
Breakdown- Wow, there are overmatched Big Ten teams and there is this game. Sparty has one guy and folks, tough-running backs are somewhat common in the SEC. Georgia was a game away from possibly being in the BCS picture but instead layed the proverbial egg against GT. Prediction: Dawgs have something to prove and will take out the frustration on a completely out-manned Michigan State team.
Gator Bowl- Jacksonville, FL
Nebraska vs. Clemson
Breakdown- Two of the great fanbases go head to head here. Clemson finally has a head coach and made what I think was probably the best decision in keeping Dweezil Zappa or whatever the hell his name is. The Huskers made a phenomenal hire in bringing in Bo "Fire Marshall Bill" Pelini. Let me tell you something! What he has done over the course of the year to turn this program around has been great and I fully expect to see Nebraska back in the Big XII hunt next season even though they lose three major contributors on offense. Prediction: There will be more Nebraska fans than Clemoson fans. Go Huskers.
Rose Bowl- Pasadena, CA.
Penn State vs. USC
Breakdown- This is the type of classic you pray for in the big bowls, especially in the Rose Bowl. The setting is basically the anti- El Paso Bowl with an incredible tailgate situation, beautiful stadium, and mega pre-game hype. Anyone who has even seen a college football game this year knows that this game will come down to defense. USC practically gave up on developing offense when they realized that Mark Sanchez was a poor man's Rudy Carpenter. The defense, however, has 10 NFL players on it. Honestly, these guys could shut down 27 NFL teams. Penn State's goal in life has to be to avoid turnovers when on offense but force them on the other end. Prediction- It will be either be a close game that goes down to the last 3 minutes or SC will cause the necessary turnovers to turn this into a blowout.
Orange Bowl- Miami, FL
Virginia Tech vs. Cincinatti
Breakdown- The Bearkats winning the Big East tells you that either Brian Kelly really is that great or the conference is quickly turning into the ACC. You got to hand it to Frank Beamer. For all intensive purposes, this Hokie team has no business being in the BCS. They lost the first game of the season to ECU and spent the rest of the season pulling victories out of their keaster but hey, here they are. Prediction- Brian Kelly adds to the impressive resume with a BCS victory. Added prediction- He'll be wearing Notre Dame boxers when he does it.
Jan. 2nd
Cotton Bowl- Dallas, TX.
Ole Miss vs. Texas Tech
Breakdown- I am loving the insane thought process behind the idea that this could be an upset. C'mon, people. Let's be adults about this. Graham Harrell salivates at the though of mid-level SEC DBs lined up opposite his receiving force. Crabtree will look like an F-16 compared to some of the receivers the Rebs have seen this year. Prediction: Jevan Snead throws a first quarter touchdown to put the Rebs up early and we all crap our pants over an upset possibility. Reality sets in after Graham throws 5 touchdown passes...in the first half.
Liberty Bowl- Memphis, TN.
Kentucky vs. East Carolina
Breakdown- It would seem as exciting as an SMU/Vanderbilt girl's basketball game but this should actually be an enticing matchup. You gotta love watching two teams with nothing to lose but their coaches to bigger programs though I strongly doubt Brooks is going anywhere. Prediction: You'll probably miss it as you will be glued to a previously recorded Final Four Volleyball game on Fox Sports.
Sugar Bowl- New Orleans, LA.
Utah vs. Alabama
Breakdown- You don't need me to tell you. Look, I give credit to Utah for going undefeated, blah, blah, blah, but seriously, to think that they stand a chance in this is laughable. Utah has never seen a defense who hits like this or who executes like this. Prediction: Could someone please tell me what the hell a Ute is?
Jan. 3rd
International Bowl- Toronto, CA.
Buffalo vs. UCONN
Breakdown- Oooh, look how popular college football in on an international scale. We can play in Canada. Give me a break. Is this bowl still happening? I thought for sure that they would have chased us out of town with absurdly alcoholic beer and hockey skates by now. You do have to watch this one though just to show the support for Turner Gill who will have one last season after this one in Buffalo. Somebody will scoop this guy up. Prediction: Going with the Bulls.
Jan. 5th
Fiesta Bowl- Glendale, AZ.
Ohio State vs. Texas
Breakdown- Our players are telling you that they are just tickled pink to be playing in a BCS bowl considering that no one felt like we could get here. Bullshit. Don't believe one word of it. This team is furious, especially #12 and Mack Brown has been chewing back antacids like they were Spree since the announcement of the bowl matchups. We will come out firing and Ohio State's best bet will be to stick to their attack defense if they feel like they will have any kind of a chance in this game. I know Terrelle Pryor is great but he is still a freshman. He will make his Vince-like plays (we will hear close to 25 comparisons during the game) but he will also make some large mistakes that will most likely lead to Colt McCoy touchdowns. Prediction: Close early, distant memory late. Colt has a monster day and it will be Quan's Bon Voyage party. Hook 'Em!!
Jan. 6th
GMAC Bowl- Mobile, AL
Tulsa vs. Ball State
Breakdown- Ball State's dreams were rocked in the MAC championship game by Buffalo ending their undefeated season. What? You didn't see that? Yeah, who did? Tulsa is an atom bomb on offense capable of putting up 50 on just about anybody especially MAC teams. Should be fun to watch two big offenses go off on each other during this ridiculous break between the Fiesta Bowl and Championship game. Prediction: One of the announcers will eventually laugh at himself after referring the Cardinals as Testes State. Honestly, who named this college?
Jan. 8th
BCS Championship
Oklahoma vs. Florida
Breakdown- If Colt and the offense can put together extended drives, we will keep the Gators on their heels. Wait, what? Oh, that's right, we got royally screwed by the conference. Awesome. Look, there may not be anyone in the country cheering harder for Tebow and the gang but I have to say it, I don't see it. Say what you will about the OU defense- they are attrocious but the offense is like the opening of the Arc of the Covenant. It is going to take a very bad day by the OU offensive line or a Bob Stoops BCS meltdown to keep Florida in this the whole way. I fully expect Timmy T. to have a monster game and Percy Harvin will make OU DBs look like DiCaprio in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?" I just don't see them being able to outscore and really stop OU all four quarters. Prediction: Florida wins with special teams and JaMarkus McFarland's mother pulls up to the game in a brand new Lexus SUV filled with "free alcohol and drugs." Go GATORS!!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
The Bowl Issue Part One
Bowl Issue Part One: The little guys
Welcome to the Bowl Issue. Our most comprehensive and lackluster issue of the season. Now, before we start to tackle the bowls, there is one small issue we need to cover: Oklahoma. There is a new, improved hate that is brewing south of the Red River. Just when we were starting to accept the BCS atrocity, Sam Bradford wins the Heisman trophy much to the liking of short bus rider, Billy Sims. Those of you who thought we might just shrug our shoulders and respond, "well, Hell, he deserves it" have about as much insight into Texas football as I do into the inner workings of Chinese donut shop. As my good buddy, Ben put it so candidly: "I hate Oklahoma more than I hate Glitter." Ben is the President of the Anti-Glitter Alliance.This season's game, which we won for those who don't remember, reached a new echelon for the rivalry in the sense that it affected all of college football. And, it's only the beginning. Colt McCoy announced his return for his senior then watched Oklahoma annhilate both Missouri and the Longhorn hopes for a shot at a National title. A week later, he sat in a room in downtown Manhattan with the second and third best players in the country. The second best took home Colt's award and trashed Texas dreams for the second time in one year. We don't take this stuff lightly, Sammy. The final straw was the Stoops smirk that graced his chubby, douchey, face as Sam was announced and Sims began his best impression of "Nell" on a mix of black tar heroin and steroids. It was a rivaly that became a battle. For the past decade, it has been war. From this moment, it is a Vendetta. Hook 'Em! Go Gators!
Stay tuned next week for Part Two of the Bowl Issue. For now, let's get to these bowls shall we.
December 20th
Eagle Bank Bowl- Washington D.C.
Wake Forest vs. Navy
Breakdown- First, I wasn't even aware that Eagles had their own bank and that said bank could have enough capital to sponsor a bowl game. Honestly, in a time when Countrywide and Wachovia are forced to merge to avoid Chapter 11, how the hell does an endangered species manage a financial institution? All kidding aside, Navy managed to take Wake behing the woodshed earlier in the year and there really isn't anything suggesting that they won't do it again. Let's be adults, the only people outside of D.C. that are going to be watching this game will be LSU students who realize that they creat a drinking game out of the announcers mispronouncing the Navy QB's name. Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Ehnada.
New Mexico Bowl- Albuquerque, NM
Colorado State vs. Fresno State
Breakdown- 6-6 vs. 7-5. Awesome. The biggest problem with not having a playoff system really isn't the issues at the top of the BCS, it's our exposure to bowl games between mid-level teams in crap conferences. It's not like we're getting to watch Bradlee Van Pelt and David Carr. Prediction: Announcers try to get us to believe that this game has a significant recruiting impact seeing as Colorado borders New Mexico. Rams by 10.
Wake Forest vs. Navy
Breakdown- First, I wasn't even aware that Eagles had their own bank and that said bank could have enough capital to sponsor a bowl game. Honestly, in a time when Countrywide and Wachovia are forced to merge to avoid Chapter 11, how the hell does an endangered species manage a financial institution? All kidding aside, Navy managed to take Wake behing the woodshed earlier in the year and there really isn't anything suggesting that they won't do it again. Let's be adults, the only people outside of D.C. that are going to be watching this game will be LSU students who realize that they creat a drinking game out of the announcers mispronouncing the Navy QB's name. Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Ehnada.
New Mexico Bowl- Albuquerque, NM
Colorado State vs. Fresno State
Breakdown- 6-6 vs. 7-5. Awesome. The biggest problem with not having a playoff system really isn't the issues at the top of the BCS, it's our exposure to bowl games between mid-level teams in crap conferences. It's not like we're getting to watch Bradlee Van Pelt and David Carr. Prediction: Announcers try to get us to believe that this game has a significant recruiting impact seeing as Colorado borders New Mexico. Rams by 10.
magicJack St. Petersburg Bowl- St. Petersburg, FL
Memphis vs. South Florida
Breakdown- You can imagine our embarrasment seeing as we picked South Florida to represent the Big East (aka the NCAA basketball elite 8) in the BCS. Instead, the Bulls proved to be as reliable as a Chevy Malibu with over 70,000 miles. Remember when this team was 6-1? Prediction: Matt Grothe takes off his helmet to reveal that he is the Ghost Rider in the 3rd quarter and leads the Bulls on a runaway.
Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl- Las Vegas, NV
BYU vs. Arizona
Breakdown- Mormons in Vegas is the very definition of irony. It is also the recipe for a pack of very bored strippers. Jake's regards to the Crazy Horse II. He promises his return in the near future. The Cougars started the season on what we thought might be a rampage of Cinderelladom until we realized that they are a Mountain West team with little upside unless you like watching undersized white guys run hitch routes. Arizona made a run of their own to impress the peers of the Pac 10. Not too difficult a task considering...well, you know. Prediction: Surprisingly, a defensive battle. Not surprisingly, very little caffeine served at the game.
December 21st
New Orleans Bowl - well, New Orleans of course
Southern Miss vs. Troy
Breakdown- $20 to the guy who can name the QB for either team. Honestly, who doesn't love the annual Sun Belt vs. CUSA barnyard burner. Prediction: Of the 9 people who will actually watch this game on TV, I will be the only one who can name both coaches.
December 23rd
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl- San Diego, CA.
Boise State vs. TCU
Breakdown- This is easily the best bowl where there is no BCS conference team in sight. You gotta love Boise's decision to blow off the home stadium bowl game for what might be their toughest game of the year. It will most certainly be the best defense they've seen. No one is going to hit harder than the Frogs. This game has the possibility of being the next Boise State ESPN Instant Classic. That, or Chris Peterson devises an offense that makes Gary Patteron pop another blood vessel in his eye. Predicition: Broncos by 17 in the end. TCU's offense has the same level of effectiveness as a Lou Holtz pep talk.
December 24th
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl- Honolulu, HI
Hawaii vs. Notre Dame
Breakdown- Don't act like you're not hosting a Christmas Eve Hula party complete with leis, grass skirts, and fat, angry dudes with body paint. Hawaii will have never had more supporters than this Christmas Even. Look, no one likes Notre Dame but Notre Dame especially when the Irish are taking on a team that they have no business losing to. Like, say, Navy. We're going to have to hope the Warriors play with a totally different level of passion. Prediction: Pale Catholics fall victim to a Mai Tai onslaught and let this slip away from them in the fourth quarter.
December 26th
Motor City Bowl- Detroit, MI
Florida Atlantic vs. Central Michigan
Breakdown- What better Christmas present than a horrific bowl game in the city who houses 3 of the largest companies about to file for bankruptcy. Oh, look at that, even the name of the bowl is a reminder. How sadistic. Prediction: I don't remember this game is even on until the fourth quarter when I am busy strategizing the use of my 20 gift cards.
Friday, December 5, 2008
GP.2008.15
The Renegade College Football Newsletter
A 49-9 victory over your bitter rival after being embarrassed for two straight seasons by those heathens is supposed to feel like vindication. And during the five minutes it took me to devour my post-game pumpkin pie, it did. I relished in the usual yet amazing Colt McCoy performance, the defense’s domination that could be equated to Reagan vs. Panama (HI, Mr. Noriega), and of course, the gratifying moment would not have been complete without the Stephen McGee Asshole curtain call. SM, you’re just damn lucky that as you approached the sideline to whine about getting your head nearly taken off by Sergio Kindle, that Roy Miller didn’t go ahead and complete the duty. Good Luck never playing in the NFL.
The reflection lasted the length of the slice of pie and a glass of rum-filled eggnog. And I mean FILLED people. When half of your family is Puerto Rican, you become very good friends with Bacardi. This is a good thing because I was about to need about 5 more. Reality hits like Bevo on acid and a bottle of Dripping Springs Vodka. We were screwed, no matter what. It didn’t matter if Oklahoma won by 1 or by 50. It sure as hell didn’t matter if they managed to blow it because none of us ever believed that Baylor stood a margarita’s chance in my right hand.
Honestly, when you woke up on Saturday, did you have the slightest feeling of “It’s possible”? When Baylor miraculously went up by two touchdowns at halftime against Tech, did any part of you have that feeling that would suggest that you were about to witness an Oklahoma State miracle circa 2001? No, of course not. By the way, Robert Griffin is a stud and Baylor will be bowling again next season. You heard it here first.
No, the sickening thing was that we knew our fate. We just refused to accept it because Mack wouldn’t let us. Yes, let me take this opportunity to regale what so many have neglected to. Mack Brown took every opportunity, shameful or otherwise, to state our case. To ensure that above all that was about to fail us in this batshit-crazy system, that it was known that we, Texas, had been left in the cold. To those who tried to sully his efforts, calling them crass, disrespectful, or unsportsmanlike (looking at you, Coach Stoops), please observe my middle finger. Especially you, Barry Switzer.
Mack did what any of you would have done and should have done in the same situation. He fought for his players, for his coaches, and for us, the fans- knowing damn well that it was us that he would have to answer to if he didn’t. So, here is to you Mack. Over and over. We appreciate all that you do, especially in the hardest of times when your actions aren’t popular amongst your peers. Take note, incoming recruits.
Now, I promised myself that I wouldn’t spend the entire issue rambling on about the issues with the BCS or even more so, the conference tie-breaker rule that has Texas fans hitting the bottle as much as LSU fans on a Saturday afternoon. I’m not going to bore you with the same arguments as to why we deserve to be playing for the title. You’ve heard them all, you’ve read them all, and unless you’re a Sooner or an idiot, you agree with us. I’ll just say that unless Missouri is able to accomplish what would only be described as a Faux-Hawk miracle on Saturday, don’t expect anyone in the Burnt Orange to be happy about life. If Oklahoma plays for the National Championship, the outcome won’t matter- win or lose, we’re only going to think what might have been had it been us and not them. Thus, Go Missouri!! And if we can’t have it our way, screw the Big XII, GO SEC!!! May you be the next conference to embarrass Oklahoma at season’s end.
Coach Willingham, the Coconut is on it’s way:
Washington Huskies
And now, the real Top 25!
1. Florida 11-1- The hottest team in America is in Gainesville, not Norman, Oklahoma. The biggest difference is that this team is playing defense- something Oklahoma apparently plans to look into prior to playing Missouri.
2. Alabama 12-0- Well, what do you want? They’re 12-0 and unlike the rest of the top teams in the country, they have beaten everyone they were supposed to. You know, as in they didn’t already lose to Florida by 10 points on a neutral field.
3. Texas 11-1- At this point, speechless as Jake after a strip club visit.
4. Oklahoma 11-1- This is a new hate. One I had only reserved for people who wear sunglasses in grocery stores, guys who walk around with blue tooth headsets in their ears, and the cast from the Hills.
5. USC 10-1- You done complaining, Pete? Did we send our thank you notes to Mike Bellotti and the rest of the staff in Eugene?
6. Penn State 11-1- JoePa’s only worries about facing SC- whether OJ was going to start and if they still had Grape Jello at the Rose Bowl. I’m saying he’s old.
7. Utah 12-0- This team and a second-tier Big Ten team will be playing in the BCS over Tech. I thought we were pissed.
8. Texas Tech 11-1- Michael “Merlin” Crabtree announced today that he is going to stay for another year. Apparently, he nightmared it in his head that he wasn’t ready for the NFL.
9. Ohio State 10-2- Yes, you get to play a pissed off 11-1 Texas team who might be the only school in the country who belongs on the same field as Florida. Frightening.
10. Boise State 12-0- Seriously, what the hell does Chris Peterson have to do to get hired by a major program that has the funds to put green grass on the field?
11. Cincinnati 10-2- Remember when this was just a basketball school? Mark Dantonio put the program on the map and Brian Kelly has turned them into a Big East powerhouse. (Oxymoron?) As long as Kelly is the man, this team will be playing in undeserved BCS bowls virtually every year.
12. Ball State 12-0- Yeah, still don’t get it. Nate Davis is the new Ben Roethlisberger.
13. TCU 10-2- The Frogs are experiencing the best stretch in their history, including the 1940’s when TCU actually played for conference championships. If they can figure out a way to keep Gary Patterson, they could continue to steal recruits away from Texas A&M and Tech.
14. Georgia Tech 9-3- I said it before but I wrote off the Paul Johnson hire like I wrote off “Skip It” when I passed the age of 5. Wrong about both.
15. Oregon 9-3- It will go unnoticed but the Ducks performance against in the Civil War was the most impressive in the Pac 10 all season. What Coach Bellotti has been able to piece together after being hit with an enormous amount of injuries is nothing short of amazing. A traditionalist with a running game obsession would sell his right leg to watch the Ducks take on Georgia Tech in a bowl game.
16. Oklahoma State 9-3- Yeah, we needed it to look a lot better than that, guys.
17. Georgia 9-3- To Georgia Tech? As an SEC team, you should never leave the stadium hearing the fans chant A-C-C!
18. Missouri 9-3- There are no bigger Tiger fans on this earth this weekend than Longhorn fans. Our fate rests in your hands Captain Fauxhawk, Leader of Hobbiton.
19. Boston College 9-3- Imagine if people in Boston gave a damn about college sports. Think this might get more press than the status of Brady’s knee? No, you’re right. Probably wouldn’t.
20. Ole Miss 8-4- Houston Nutt is the Mike Leach of the SEC minus a Law Degree and a crazed obsession with One-Eyed Willie.
21. Michigan State 9-3- Classic Big Ten. Watching Paint Dry Offense and competitive eaters on D. Yet, they’re winning. I’m perplexed.
22. BYU 10-2- When analyzing the rule book in the off-season, can we discuss how many 25+ year old players each team should be allowed?
23. Pittsburgh 8-3- Baylor would go 8-3 in the Big East. Just sayin’.
24. Northwestern 9-3- Northwestern would probably win the Big East.
25. Oregon State 8-4- Do you feel a little like Tom Hanks in “Big”?
A 49-9 victory over your bitter rival after being embarrassed for two straight seasons by those heathens is supposed to feel like vindication. And during the five minutes it took me to devour my post-game pumpkin pie, it did. I relished in the usual yet amazing Colt McCoy performance, the defense’s domination that could be equated to Reagan vs. Panama (HI, Mr. Noriega), and of course, the gratifying moment would not have been complete without the Stephen McGee Asshole curtain call. SM, you’re just damn lucky that as you approached the sideline to whine about getting your head nearly taken off by Sergio Kindle, that Roy Miller didn’t go ahead and complete the duty. Good Luck never playing in the NFL.
The reflection lasted the length of the slice of pie and a glass of rum-filled eggnog. And I mean FILLED people. When half of your family is Puerto Rican, you become very good friends with Bacardi. This is a good thing because I was about to need about 5 more. Reality hits like Bevo on acid and a bottle of Dripping Springs Vodka. We were screwed, no matter what. It didn’t matter if Oklahoma won by 1 or by 50. It sure as hell didn’t matter if they managed to blow it because none of us ever believed that Baylor stood a margarita’s chance in my right hand.
Honestly, when you woke up on Saturday, did you have the slightest feeling of “It’s possible”? When Baylor miraculously went up by two touchdowns at halftime against Tech, did any part of you have that feeling that would suggest that you were about to witness an Oklahoma State miracle circa 2001? No, of course not. By the way, Robert Griffin is a stud and Baylor will be bowling again next season. You heard it here first.
No, the sickening thing was that we knew our fate. We just refused to accept it because Mack wouldn’t let us. Yes, let me take this opportunity to regale what so many have neglected to. Mack Brown took every opportunity, shameful or otherwise, to state our case. To ensure that above all that was about to fail us in this batshit-crazy system, that it was known that we, Texas, had been left in the cold. To those who tried to sully his efforts, calling them crass, disrespectful, or unsportsmanlike (looking at you, Coach Stoops), please observe my middle finger. Especially you, Barry Switzer.
Mack did what any of you would have done and should have done in the same situation. He fought for his players, for his coaches, and for us, the fans- knowing damn well that it was us that he would have to answer to if he didn’t. So, here is to you Mack. Over and over. We appreciate all that you do, especially in the hardest of times when your actions aren’t popular amongst your peers. Take note, incoming recruits.
Now, I promised myself that I wouldn’t spend the entire issue rambling on about the issues with the BCS or even more so, the conference tie-breaker rule that has Texas fans hitting the bottle as much as LSU fans on a Saturday afternoon. I’m not going to bore you with the same arguments as to why we deserve to be playing for the title. You’ve heard them all, you’ve read them all, and unless you’re a Sooner or an idiot, you agree with us. I’ll just say that unless Missouri is able to accomplish what would only be described as a Faux-Hawk miracle on Saturday, don’t expect anyone in the Burnt Orange to be happy about life. If Oklahoma plays for the National Championship, the outcome won’t matter- win or lose, we’re only going to think what might have been had it been us and not them. Thus, Go Missouri!! And if we can’t have it our way, screw the Big XII, GO SEC!!! May you be the next conference to embarrass Oklahoma at season’s end.
Coach Willingham, the Coconut is on it’s way:
Washington Huskies
And now, the real Top 25!1. Florida 11-1- The hottest team in America is in Gainesville, not Norman, Oklahoma. The biggest difference is that this team is playing defense- something Oklahoma apparently plans to look into prior to playing Missouri.
2. Alabama 12-0- Well, what do you want? They’re 12-0 and unlike the rest of the top teams in the country, they have beaten everyone they were supposed to. You know, as in they didn’t already lose to Florida by 10 points on a neutral field.
3. Texas 11-1- At this point, speechless as Jake after a strip club visit.
4. Oklahoma 11-1- This is a new hate. One I had only reserved for people who wear sunglasses in grocery stores, guys who walk around with blue tooth headsets in their ears, and the cast from the Hills.
5. USC 10-1- You done complaining, Pete? Did we send our thank you notes to Mike Bellotti and the rest of the staff in Eugene?
6. Penn State 11-1- JoePa’s only worries about facing SC- whether OJ was going to start and if they still had Grape Jello at the Rose Bowl. I’m saying he’s old.
7. Utah 12-0- This team and a second-tier Big Ten team will be playing in the BCS over Tech. I thought we were pissed.
8. Texas Tech 11-1- Michael “Merlin” Crabtree announced today that he is going to stay for another year. Apparently, he nightmared it in his head that he wasn’t ready for the NFL.
9. Ohio State 10-2- Yes, you get to play a pissed off 11-1 Texas team who might be the only school in the country who belongs on the same field as Florida. Frightening.
10. Boise State 12-0- Seriously, what the hell does Chris Peterson have to do to get hired by a major program that has the funds to put green grass on the field?
11. Cincinnati 10-2- Remember when this was just a basketball school? Mark Dantonio put the program on the map and Brian Kelly has turned them into a Big East powerhouse. (Oxymoron?) As long as Kelly is the man, this team will be playing in undeserved BCS bowls virtually every year.
12. Ball State 12-0- Yeah, still don’t get it. Nate Davis is the new Ben Roethlisberger.
13. TCU 10-2- The Frogs are experiencing the best stretch in their history, including the 1940’s when TCU actually played for conference championships. If they can figure out a way to keep Gary Patterson, they could continue to steal recruits away from Texas A&M and Tech.
14. Georgia Tech 9-3- I said it before but I wrote off the Paul Johnson hire like I wrote off “Skip It” when I passed the age of 5. Wrong about both.
15. Oregon 9-3- It will go unnoticed but the Ducks performance against in the Civil War was the most impressive in the Pac 10 all season. What Coach Bellotti has been able to piece together after being hit with an enormous amount of injuries is nothing short of amazing. A traditionalist with a running game obsession would sell his right leg to watch the Ducks take on Georgia Tech in a bowl game.
16. Oklahoma State 9-3- Yeah, we needed it to look a lot better than that, guys.
17. Georgia 9-3- To Georgia Tech? As an SEC team, you should never leave the stadium hearing the fans chant A-C-C!
18. Missouri 9-3- There are no bigger Tiger fans on this earth this weekend than Longhorn fans. Our fate rests in your hands Captain Fauxhawk, Leader of Hobbiton.
19. Boston College 9-3- Imagine if people in Boston gave a damn about college sports. Think this might get more press than the status of Brady’s knee? No, you’re right. Probably wouldn’t.
20. Ole Miss 8-4- Houston Nutt is the Mike Leach of the SEC minus a Law Degree and a crazed obsession with One-Eyed Willie.
21. Michigan State 9-3- Classic Big Ten. Watching Paint Dry Offense and competitive eaters on D. Yet, they’re winning. I’m perplexed.
22. BYU 10-2- When analyzing the rule book in the off-season, can we discuss how many 25+ year old players each team should be allowed?
23. Pittsburgh 8-3- Baylor would go 8-3 in the Big East. Just sayin’.
24. Northwestern 9-3- Northwestern would probably win the Big East.
25. Oregon State 8-4- Do you feel a little like Tom Hanks in “Big”?
The order on my Heisman ballot:
Colt McCoy
Sam Bradford
Tim Tebow
Graham Harrell
ACC Championship: Boston College vs. Virginia TechSEC Championship: Alabama vs. Florida
Big XII Championship: Oklahoma (Bull$&@(*#%) vs. Missouri
Army vs. Navy
The Grayson Publication is copyrighted and may not be distributed for profit unless otherwise authorized by ownership.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
GP.2008.14
The Renegade College Football Newsletter
Dear Michael Crabtree,
Thank you for the incredible mess that you have created in the BCS. Had you not summoned the power of Gray Skull on that crisp night in early November and split two would-be tacklers for a last second touchdown, this never would have happened. We would be #1 or #2 and well on our way the Big XII Championship to once again be the steam powered locomotive to Chase Daniel’s damsel tied to the tracks. Yes, we still blame Blake Gideon a little but we are giving him a break after his hit against Kansas that resulted in both a tackle and him doing finger paintings on the sideline for the rest of the game.
Now, we are faced with a situation that makes as much sense as Dostoyevsky after five shots of Rumplemintz (only that is actually decipherable once you follow with a pot of coffee). Want the quick answer to fix this mess? Just reflect back to October 11th. Oh, wait, what’s that? Yes, that’s right; Texas beat Oklahoma ON A NEUTRAL FIELD! Ah, and Oklahoma was #1 at the time I will have you all remember. Easy, simple answer. We played and we won.
No, no, no, there is no additional argument needed. We both have one loss. The only difference is Oklahoma’s is to us. Look, I am not discounting the Oklahoma win over Tech. It was dominant, it was brutal, it was the Spanish Inquisition. The Sooners did what every team with a strong running game should do to Tech: Namely, line up and ram it down their throat for two quarters until the defensive line starts to suck their thumbs and huddle in corners. (Cue Longhorn fan thought bubble: “What is a running game?”) The difference- Oklahoma beat Tech at home. We lost to Tech on the road. Oh, and there’s the other thing: WE BEAT OKLAHOMA ON A NEUTRAL FIELD!
It is beyond painful to recognize that our only hope in this matter is an Oklahoma win in which they barely hang on against the Pokes or a full-on Oklahoma loss that sends Tech to the Big XII Championship game. That would bring on a whole new mess of problems that equate to a compilation between Cher and Little John. “Yeaayahh!”
This season is the culmination of all that is completely wrong and unjust about the BCS system. It seems like no matter what happens, a number of us are getting hosed. Texas Tech is getting screwed, USC is getting screwed (not that we care), the Paula Cole album that is the Big Ten is getting screwed, and of course, there is Boise, Utah, and Ball State. The Big East and ACC are the only conferences benefiting from this ridiculous scenario and it isn’t coincidence that they are also the two most undeserving conferences. Oh, don’t give me that look, Cincy fans. We all saw what Oklahoma did to you and we will expect the same from whichever major conference school you may draw in the Bowl game. Yes, this all sucks worse than going to Summer Camp with braces and glasses but we have to quit the bitching. We aren’t getting a playoff anytime in the near future. (Thanks ESPN). The opportunity for a TX/OU rematch or a USC game versus a non-conference opponent that is actually worth a damn is a non-existent pipe dream bedded down by the Monty Burns that is comprised of University Presidents, Athletic Directors, and BCS Selection members. So, what do we do when faced with such an improbable cause? Deflect to watching football only on Sundays where rivalries seem to be non-existent and everyone has the exact same offense? No. Simply continue to obsess over your team and your conference with the hope that your guys will come out each week and take care of business. (Ready for my obvious segue?)
That is what we plan on doing in Austin. (like that?) The two years of pent-up frustration that has been created by completely absurd losses to the Collie Worshippers in College Station paired with the existing ferocity living within our team due to their blatant attacks on Colt McCoy can only lead to one outcome: Obliteration. Think Florida-Citadel. Look, we all know that Mack isn’t one to try and hang 70 on somebody but he may not have a choice this week. A&M is that bad and we are wicked pissed. Colt McCoy may throw for six touchdowns in the first half and I half expect Sergio Kindle to tackle Mike Goodson by the jugular. There should be a Parental Advisory warning before this game citing unseemly violence and obnoxious nudity. The nudity has nothing to do with the game itself but I am acknowledging the fact that Jake views every Senior Day like it is the perfect opportunity to run pantsless through the Aggie Band at halftime. Jake, punch a yell leader while you’re at it!
This is our opportunity to make our own statement and though the Aggies are hardly anything resembling a worthy opponent, 60+ points looks good against anybody. Especially if you bleed burnt orange and the opponent is wearing maroon. A revenge-minded Colt and blood thirsty defense cannot let Mack’s genuine respect for the opposition get in their way. Make it ugly. Make it obvious. Hook ‘em!
Quick Note to Notre Dame: Keep Charlie Weis!! I can’t tell you how much we have enjoyed this abysmal stretch. The level of schadenfreude surrounding this team is at an all time high! Seriously, Syracuse? Syracuse!?! Oh, that was just blissful.
We have a Winner! We at GP came to the conclusion after watching the first half of the Apple Cup (AKA Pop Warner Championship) that we had to award the loser with the least coveted trophy in all of sports. The fact that my in-laws are Oregon alums really doesn’t help your cause, Huskies. They will be signing this prized gift with me and presenting it to Ty Willingham. You know, before he clears out his office. Congratulations, you suck:
Washington Huskies
1. Florida 10-1- It’s time we started being adults and recognized that right now, Florida could win the AFC West, much less, the National Championship. We talk about it every week but the Gators have as much speed as the Jamaican track team and play ever down like there is a nuke headed for Gainesville. Be prepared for Bobby Bowden’s famous “clueless” face as he walks off the field at halftime.
2. Alabama 11-0- No, we haven’t forgotten. You’re just not Florida. You are Nicole Richie to Florida’s Paris. Good God, I have to stop watching E!.
3. Texas 10-1- Oh, hello. We’re the team that beat Oklahoma. And you are?
4. Oklahoma 10-1- Yes, it is insane what this offense is capable of. It is also insane that OU fans seem to believe that they have a valid argument suggesting their being ranked ahead of us in the polls. I am going to beat this into the ground with a Honda Civic so get used to it.
5. USC 9-1- While I agree that they are getting as roshamboed as just about anybody, why am I the only one who has issues with Pete Carroll’s complaints about this team’s ranking? The Ohio State victory was impressive but is there another game that they could possibly point to that would validate his arguments? No? yeah, I didn’t really think so.
6. Utah 12-0- With any luck, you will once again be paired with the Big East champion a la 2004 and after winning convincingly, will have the ridiculous argument that you should have been an option for the National Championship game. Ha. Like we take you guys seriously.
7. Penn State 11-1- Word is that JoePa had a rocket installed in his leg during the hip replacement. This way, he can simply hover above the sideline at the Rose Bowl as opposed to sitting in the Press Box and needing a Snapple. Joe loves Snapple.
8. Texas Tech 10-1- Did Mike Leach forget that Bob Stoops was present when he created this offense? Did he really expect to just go out there with the same old show and actually pull this out?
9. Ohio State 10-2- Terrelle Pryor is getting better every week and an injury-riddled Beanie Wells is at full speed for the first time all season. This would have been a scary combination about two months ago. Going for a fashionably late arrival to the season, the Bucks simply got here too long after the cops had already shown up and issued Public Intoxication tickets.
10. Boise State 10-0- Thanks Coach Peterson for making this team watchable for yet another season. Enjoy your ridiculous paycheck at the major institution that you will be coaching for next season.
11. Oklahoma State 9-2- Don’t necessarily write this off as an OU victory and catapult into the Big XII Championship game. Pickens Stadium is a hornet’s nest of a stadium especially in the Bedlam series. Trust me, Mike Gundy would love nothing more than to ruin Bobby’s season with a victory. He’s a man.
12. Georgia 9-2- Stafford and Moreno would have been a Heisman-type tandem in just about any other conference outside of this one or the Big XII.
13. Missouri 9-2- How does it feel to be looked at as the team that is going to lose the Big XII Championship game? No matter who plays you. Result: Doomed.
14. TCU 10-2- It should be pointed out that only Texas and the Frogs have held OU to 35 points all season. This defense is top notch and if they could find an offense to compliment, you would be looking at your BCS buster.
15. Ball State 11-0- They are finishing the season undefeated and we are all giving the slow clap like we just watched our kid finish fourth in the potato sack race at Field Day. Hilarious. At least he gets a ribbon.
16. Cincinnati 9-2- Should a team that wins their conference but doesn’t finish in the top 10 be allowed to compete in the BCS System? Boise State must be loving this.
17. Oregon State 8-3- Look, we already witnessed the shellacking by Penn State. We want to live through that again like we want to live through another season of Dancing With the Stars. Let’s do everybody a favor and blow the Oregon game. You will love San Diego.
18. Florida State 8-3- We’d love to see an upset over the Gators but my money is on Bobby being as understandable as a Cajun cab driver trying to negotiate pricing come halftime.
19. BYU 10-2- The Holy War (Sober Bowl) was a dose of reality. This Mountain West is the benefactor of three teams with worthless schedules who are able to pad victories and pretend they belong.
20. Boston College 8-3- There are still 9 other teams in the ACC with a chance to win the conference. I simply closed my eyes and pointed. BC is just what I landed on.
21. Oregon 8-3- Hitting the stride at the perfect time. I think that I might be the only person outside of Eugene that believes that this team will be the perfect end to OSU’s season. I just hope Bellotti gives a public “You’re welcome” speech after the win.
22. Georgia Tech 8-3- Again, I really don’t know what to do with this conference.
23. Michigan State 9-3- After removing Paterno’s cane from the anal cavity, the Spartans begin to prepare for bowl season.
24. Northwestern 9-3- Pat Fitzgerald should win Coach of the year in the Big Ten. Folks, this is Northwestern, the Big Ten equivalent to Duke.
25. Ole Miss 7-4- Wow. Just wow.
Dear Michael Crabtree,
Thank you for the incredible mess that you have created in the BCS. Had you not summoned the power of Gray Skull on that crisp night in early November and split two would-be tacklers for a last second touchdown, this never would have happened. We would be #1 or #2 and well on our way the Big XII Championship to once again be the steam powered locomotive to Chase Daniel’s damsel tied to the tracks. Yes, we still blame Blake Gideon a little but we are giving him a break after his hit against Kansas that resulted in both a tackle and him doing finger paintings on the sideline for the rest of the game.
Now, we are faced with a situation that makes as much sense as Dostoyevsky after five shots of Rumplemintz (only that is actually decipherable once you follow with a pot of coffee). Want the quick answer to fix this mess? Just reflect back to October 11th. Oh, wait, what’s that? Yes, that’s right; Texas beat Oklahoma ON A NEUTRAL FIELD! Ah, and Oklahoma was #1 at the time I will have you all remember. Easy, simple answer. We played and we won.
No, no, no, there is no additional argument needed. We both have one loss. The only difference is Oklahoma’s is to us. Look, I am not discounting the Oklahoma win over Tech. It was dominant, it was brutal, it was the Spanish Inquisition. The Sooners did what every team with a strong running game should do to Tech: Namely, line up and ram it down their throat for two quarters until the defensive line starts to suck their thumbs and huddle in corners. (Cue Longhorn fan thought bubble: “What is a running game?”) The difference- Oklahoma beat Tech at home. We lost to Tech on the road. Oh, and there’s the other thing: WE BEAT OKLAHOMA ON A NEUTRAL FIELD!
It is beyond painful to recognize that our only hope in this matter is an Oklahoma win in which they barely hang on against the Pokes or a full-on Oklahoma loss that sends Tech to the Big XII Championship game. That would bring on a whole new mess of problems that equate to a compilation between Cher and Little John. “Yeaayahh!”
This season is the culmination of all that is completely wrong and unjust about the BCS system. It seems like no matter what happens, a number of us are getting hosed. Texas Tech is getting screwed, USC is getting screwed (not that we care), the Paula Cole album that is the Big Ten is getting screwed, and of course, there is Boise, Utah, and Ball State. The Big East and ACC are the only conferences benefiting from this ridiculous scenario and it isn’t coincidence that they are also the two most undeserving conferences. Oh, don’t give me that look, Cincy fans. We all saw what Oklahoma did to you and we will expect the same from whichever major conference school you may draw in the Bowl game. Yes, this all sucks worse than going to Summer Camp with braces and glasses but we have to quit the bitching. We aren’t getting a playoff anytime in the near future. (Thanks ESPN). The opportunity for a TX/OU rematch or a USC game versus a non-conference opponent that is actually worth a damn is a non-existent pipe dream bedded down by the Monty Burns that is comprised of University Presidents, Athletic Directors, and BCS Selection members. So, what do we do when faced with such an improbable cause? Deflect to watching football only on Sundays where rivalries seem to be non-existent and everyone has the exact same offense? No. Simply continue to obsess over your team and your conference with the hope that your guys will come out each week and take care of business. (Ready for my obvious segue?)
That is what we plan on doing in Austin. (like that?) The two years of pent-up frustration that has been created by completely absurd losses to the Collie Worshippers in College Station paired with the existing ferocity living within our team due to their blatant attacks on Colt McCoy can only lead to one outcome: Obliteration. Think Florida-Citadel. Look, we all know that Mack isn’t one to try and hang 70 on somebody but he may not have a choice this week. A&M is that bad and we are wicked pissed. Colt McCoy may throw for six touchdowns in the first half and I half expect Sergio Kindle to tackle Mike Goodson by the jugular. There should be a Parental Advisory warning before this game citing unseemly violence and obnoxious nudity. The nudity has nothing to do with the game itself but I am acknowledging the fact that Jake views every Senior Day like it is the perfect opportunity to run pantsless through the Aggie Band at halftime. Jake, punch a yell leader while you’re at it!
This is our opportunity to make our own statement and though the Aggies are hardly anything resembling a worthy opponent, 60+ points looks good against anybody. Especially if you bleed burnt orange and the opponent is wearing maroon. A revenge-minded Colt and blood thirsty defense cannot let Mack’s genuine respect for the opposition get in their way. Make it ugly. Make it obvious. Hook ‘em!
Quick Note to Notre Dame: Keep Charlie Weis!! I can’t tell you how much we have enjoyed this abysmal stretch. The level of schadenfreude surrounding this team is at an all time high! Seriously, Syracuse? Syracuse!?! Oh, that was just blissful.
We have a Winner! We at GP came to the conclusion after watching the first half of the Apple Cup (AKA Pop Warner Championship) that we had to award the loser with the least coveted trophy in all of sports. The fact that my in-laws are Oregon alums really doesn’t help your cause, Huskies. They will be signing this prized gift with me and presenting it to Ty Willingham. You know, before he clears out his office. Congratulations, you suck:
Washington Huskies
1. Florida 10-1- It’s time we started being adults and recognized that right now, Florida could win the AFC West, much less, the National Championship. We talk about it every week but the Gators have as much speed as the Jamaican track team and play ever down like there is a nuke headed for Gainesville. Be prepared for Bobby Bowden’s famous “clueless” face as he walks off the field at halftime.
2. Alabama 11-0- No, we haven’t forgotten. You’re just not Florida. You are Nicole Richie to Florida’s Paris. Good God, I have to stop watching E!.
3. Texas 10-1- Oh, hello. We’re the team that beat Oklahoma. And you are?
4. Oklahoma 10-1- Yes, it is insane what this offense is capable of. It is also insane that OU fans seem to believe that they have a valid argument suggesting their being ranked ahead of us in the polls. I am going to beat this into the ground with a Honda Civic so get used to it.
5. USC 9-1- While I agree that they are getting as roshamboed as just about anybody, why am I the only one who has issues with Pete Carroll’s complaints about this team’s ranking? The Ohio State victory was impressive but is there another game that they could possibly point to that would validate his arguments? No? yeah, I didn’t really think so.
6. Utah 12-0- With any luck, you will once again be paired with the Big East champion a la 2004 and after winning convincingly, will have the ridiculous argument that you should have been an option for the National Championship game. Ha. Like we take you guys seriously.
7. Penn State 11-1- Word is that JoePa had a rocket installed in his leg during the hip replacement. This way, he can simply hover above the sideline at the Rose Bowl as opposed to sitting in the Press Box and needing a Snapple. Joe loves Snapple.
8. Texas Tech 10-1- Did Mike Leach forget that Bob Stoops was present when he created this offense? Did he really expect to just go out there with the same old show and actually pull this out?
9. Ohio State 10-2- Terrelle Pryor is getting better every week and an injury-riddled Beanie Wells is at full speed for the first time all season. This would have been a scary combination about two months ago. Going for a fashionably late arrival to the season, the Bucks simply got here too long after the cops had already shown up and issued Public Intoxication tickets.
10. Boise State 10-0- Thanks Coach Peterson for making this team watchable for yet another season. Enjoy your ridiculous paycheck at the major institution that you will be coaching for next season.
11. Oklahoma State 9-2- Don’t necessarily write this off as an OU victory and catapult into the Big XII Championship game. Pickens Stadium is a hornet’s nest of a stadium especially in the Bedlam series. Trust me, Mike Gundy would love nothing more than to ruin Bobby’s season with a victory. He’s a man.
12. Georgia 9-2- Stafford and Moreno would have been a Heisman-type tandem in just about any other conference outside of this one or the Big XII.
13. Missouri 9-2- How does it feel to be looked at as the team that is going to lose the Big XII Championship game? No matter who plays you. Result: Doomed.
14. TCU 10-2- It should be pointed out that only Texas and the Frogs have held OU to 35 points all season. This defense is top notch and if they could find an offense to compliment, you would be looking at your BCS buster.
15. Ball State 11-0- They are finishing the season undefeated and we are all giving the slow clap like we just watched our kid finish fourth in the potato sack race at Field Day. Hilarious. At least he gets a ribbon.
16. Cincinnati 9-2- Should a team that wins their conference but doesn’t finish in the top 10 be allowed to compete in the BCS System? Boise State must be loving this.
17. Oregon State 8-3- Look, we already witnessed the shellacking by Penn State. We want to live through that again like we want to live through another season of Dancing With the Stars. Let’s do everybody a favor and blow the Oregon game. You will love San Diego.
18. Florida State 8-3- We’d love to see an upset over the Gators but my money is on Bobby being as understandable as a Cajun cab driver trying to negotiate pricing come halftime.
19. BYU 10-2- The Holy War (Sober Bowl) was a dose of reality. This Mountain West is the benefactor of three teams with worthless schedules who are able to pad victories and pretend they belong.
20. Boston College 8-3- There are still 9 other teams in the ACC with a chance to win the conference. I simply closed my eyes and pointed. BC is just what I landed on.
21. Oregon 8-3- Hitting the stride at the perfect time. I think that I might be the only person outside of Eugene that believes that this team will be the perfect end to OSU’s season. I just hope Bellotti gives a public “You’re welcome” speech after the win.
22. Georgia Tech 8-3- Again, I really don’t know what to do with this conference.
23. Michigan State 9-3- After removing Paterno’s cane from the anal cavity, the Spartans begin to prepare for bowl season.
24. Northwestern 9-3- Pat Fitzgerald should win Coach of the year in the Big Ten. Folks, this is Northwestern, the Big Ten equivalent to Duke.
25. Ole Miss 7-4- Wow. Just wow.
As requested, here are the Top 3 GP Heisman picks headed into the last couple of weeks (in order):
Colt McCoy
Sam Bradford
Graham Harrell
Texas A&M at Texas
Vanderbilt at Wake Forest
Virginia at Virginia Tech
Oklahoma at Oklahoma State
Georgia at Georgia Tech
Florida at Florida State
Oregon at Oregon State
South Carolina at Clemson
The Grayson Publication is copyrighted and may not be distributed for profit unless otherwise authorized by ownership.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
GP.2008.13
The Renegade College Football Newsletter
The text from a friend came in like any other. An innocent double vibration that all of us have come to know quite well. Assuming that the message was also of the “not urgent” variety, it took me a few minutes to get to it. And then, another vibration from a different buddy, came buzzing in. Upon reading it, beads of sweat began to matriculate on my forehead: “Did you hear about Muschamp?”
I thought the worst as I immediately went to http://www.espn.com/. I thought that I would see the giant power “T” or an orange paw resting next to a picture of Will “Sooner Boomer” Muschamp. I thought for sure that his blood stained cheek would be sitting next to a big purple Washington “W”. Worst case that had been caught dancing naked in the streets of West campus with Jake while holding a giant bottle of peppermint schnapps and screaming “BOOM! MOTHA FU#*A” at police as they snapped him some cuffs. Anxiety running at boiling point and trying desperately not to spew my lunch all over my work computer, I pulled up the College Football page. “Wait, what!?!”
“NO F*#KING WAY!!!!!” he yelled out in his professional office surrounded by co-workers. That is all I remember from the moment. “Will Muschamp to succeed Mack Brown, staying at Texas.” Vomit avoidance quickly turned into urine avoidance as 12 people stared at me with that blank look suggesting their disapproval with my choice of language. That and wondering why my arms are straight in the air and why I am suddenly chewing the end of my tie with that look in my eyes that expresses the loss of one’s virginity or the first bite of some amazing pancakes. Is this for real? Did Deloss “God of all that is Athletic Directorship” Dodds really pull this off? Who needs Christmas presents now?
There are plenty of nay-sayers analyzing the overall situation. They mainly wear maroon or crimson red but the reality is that this might be the biggest move that the Texas football program has ever made. How do you plan to succeed the greatest coach in your program’s history? Well, hell, let’s hire possibly the next best young Head Coach out there in Coach Boom. Sound familiar, Darrel Royal-era Longhorns? What this hire does is remove the possibility of a long difficult search for a DC, an eventual long difficult search for the next head coach at Texas, and the possibility that the program will ever be run any differently. Basically, we are doing everything possible to avoid the Aggie scenario. Will will have the opportunity to absorb the Mack Brown policy like rice does hot water and will eventually utilize his personal excitement to continue to bring top-level talent to the family that this group has created. Sure, there is bias in this statement but folks, you are witnessing the orchestration of what has become the greatest sports program in all of college sports. Deloss, you are the Messiah of Athletic Administration. We salute you in your incredible efforts and yes, I did eventually pee a little. The embarrassment and a new not-so-PC nickname were worth it. Hook ‘EM! Beat A&M!
Florida is the fastest team on the planet and has the ability to turn a game from an actual competition into what is seemingly a battle between 160lb. me and Ray Lewis. I think that we can all agree that if the National Championship were played tomorrow, we would be looking forward to a God thanking acceptance speech by Tim Tebow. He would then blow a kiss to the sky, point at mom, head back to the locker room, and begin making his preparations to sign a giant NFL contract for his position of clipboard holder/play send-in guy. This is not a prediction, dedicated readers, this is simply an honest look into our not so distant future.
Random thoughts:
How badly are you rooting for Syracuse (girls lacrosse team pretending to play football) to beat Notre Dame this weekend? No, really, try to quantify it. It’s like trying to describe how much you love the smell of bacon being cooked or how much you hate that guy who wears sunglasses in the supermarket.
Baylor beat Texas A&M. By 20 points! Remember that dream when you showed up to high school wearing nothing but your Dawson’s Creek boxers. This is worse.
The Big East champion belongs in a BCS bowl like Sarah Palin belongs at a Private Country Club. “No, we don’t have Keystone” said the puzzled bartender. “No, the golf ball collector cannot be used as target practice.” I could go all day.
Turner Gill will be the next head coach at Syracuse…and will fail. In other Syracuse news, Donovan McNabb will hold an off-season QB camp dedicated to Rule Compliance, specifically focusing on what the term, “Sudden Death” means.
One of these teams will disappear after this weekend as the Apple Cup (Who sucks more A$$ Bowl) takes place in the great state of Washington:
Washington Huskies
Washington State Cougars
North Texas Mean Green
1. Texas Tech 10-0- Mike Leach is spending the week off roaming around campus wearing an eye patch and mumbling about the Swashbuckling abilities of Michael Crabtree. This guy built the best team in the country? Now, I know how the NBA feels about Doc Rivers.
2. Florida 9-1- Like when David approached Goliath, every team who stares down the Gators from the other side of the field has the same thought process: “Well, shit. This can’t end good.”
3. Alabama 11-0- The talent is there for a championship two years from now but the unfortunate reality is that you need a QB to win the title. Thus, this season is a no go.
4. Texas 10-1- Let’s just keep telling ourselves that we are not, not one bit, cheering for Oklahoma. We are rooting for a Tech loss. So when Bradford goes to Iglesias for a 40 yard touchdown and we are jumping up and down in our living rooms to the tune of “Boomer Sooner”, we are expressing excitement for the lack of defense shown by Tech, not for the OU touchdown. Ready, break.
5. Oklahoma 9-1- Hey, know what would be great? How about…
6. USC 9-1- See, here I thought ESPN just signed an agreement with the SEC, not Pete Carroll. Yet they still take every opportunity to grossly exaggerate meaningless Pac 10 victories. What is this spell that Magic Pete has over Kirk Herbstreit and Jesse Palmer?
7. Utah 11-0- Does anyone else feel like Utah’s involvement in the BCS is the equivalent to a Mormon at an AA meeting?
8. Penn State 10-1- Note to the Nittany Lion players: Play this game like you are playing it for your parents, or your grandparents or your future sons, something. Just don’t lose to Michigan State for God’s sake. We would love to not have to endure SC v. OSU 2. Rocky V was bad enough.
9. Boise State 10-0- Is Ian Johnson in his ninth year of eligibility?
10. Ohio State 9-2- After hanging 40 on Michigan, the Bucks get to prepare for the Outback Bowl. Yay!
11. Oklahoma State 9-2- Hey, know what would be awesome?
12. Georgia 9-2- The book was out on the Bulldogs 3 games into the season but they didn’t have to full-on cash it in. Barely beating Kentucky doesn’t help the Bowl selection committee much. Just sayin’.
13. Missouri 9-2- Hey, you guys are still here?
14. BYU 10-1- Cougars vs. Utes rivalry? How about “Sober Bowl?” Thoughts?
15. Michigan State 9-2- Hey, great idea: When you have a great running back and Offensive line, play-action can be extremely effective. Jesus, it’s not like we’re asking you to switch to the A-11 or anything. (Speaking of which, if you haven’t already, Youtube the A-11 Offense. Several teams in California run it and it is the craziest thing you have ever seen: 3-4 Offensive Lineman and the rest? Receivers.)
16. TCU 9-2- The Frogs will most likely finish 10-2 with their only losses coming to top 10 teams and they will end up in a useless bowl against a #4 or #5 team from a major conference whom they will destroy. Now, tell me, what is wrong with the BCS?
17. Ball State 10-0- The quality of wins suggests this placement. They are a MAC TEAM!
18. Cincinnati 8-2- The joke is that this team or Pitt is going to play in a BCS game as the Big East Champion and one of the top 3 Big XII teams will have to settle for the Cotton Bowl. Yep, the system is flawless.
19. LSU 7-3- Losing a few games simply allows LSU students to justify missing the entire second half of a game due to over exposure to Moonshine. Those of us who reside outside of the state of Louisiana would call it alcohol poisoning.
20. Oregon State 7-3- Rose Bowl? Really? You mean, like, the parade? No, the Bowl game? But, you’re not USC.
21. Pitt 7-2- Big East Championships in football these days are like Mountain West championships in basketball. No one really cares and most of us can’t even name all of the teams in the conference.
22. Miami 7-3- Randy Shannon has done an amazing job with this team. No one in his right mind thought this team has a snow ball’s chance in Phoenix to compete for another two years or so but the recruiting efforts and discipline of this coach have resonated amongst this team like a Barack Obama speech in any state west of Kansas. And he is doing it without the usual Miami team functions such as robbery, coke dealing and Tranny pimping. Amazing.
23. Maryland 7-3- Oh, look, yet another ACC team to bust into the Top 25 only to lose a game they shouldn’t and bow out accordingly. It’s starting to get a little repetitive, fellas.
24. Oregon 8-3- Take away the injuries and this team only has one loss to the eventual conference champ, USC. Yes, that’s right. If you think the Ducks are going to let the Civil War game be Oregon State’s ticket into the Rose Bowl, you know nothing of Oregon football. Sidenote, guys we’re done with the tire tread on the shoulder pads. I know the Marketing team had an hilarious time putting that altogether in photoshop and then panicked when they realized that they forgot to remove the tread but the joke has gone far enough.
25. North Carolina 7-3- Butch Davis refuting the Tennessee job tells you several things. A) He realizes that it is much harder to compete in the SEC than it is the ACC. B) As long as he gets into bowl games at UNC, he will never be sent to the AD’s office to explain a 4 loss season. C) He apparently doesn’t like money, or coon skin caps, or shotguns, or Day-Glo orange, or America.
The text from a friend came in like any other. An innocent double vibration that all of us have come to know quite well. Assuming that the message was also of the “not urgent” variety, it took me a few minutes to get to it. And then, another vibration from a different buddy, came buzzing in. Upon reading it, beads of sweat began to matriculate on my forehead: “Did you hear about Muschamp?”
I thought the worst as I immediately went to http://www.espn.com/. I thought that I would see the giant power “T” or an orange paw resting next to a picture of Will “Sooner Boomer” Muschamp. I thought for sure that his blood stained cheek would be sitting next to a big purple Washington “W”. Worst case that had been caught dancing naked in the streets of West campus with Jake while holding a giant bottle of peppermint schnapps and screaming “BOOM! MOTHA FU#*A” at police as they snapped him some cuffs. Anxiety running at boiling point and trying desperately not to spew my lunch all over my work computer, I pulled up the College Football page. “Wait, what!?!”
“NO F*#KING WAY!!!!!” he yelled out in his professional office surrounded by co-workers. That is all I remember from the moment. “Will Muschamp to succeed Mack Brown, staying at Texas.” Vomit avoidance quickly turned into urine avoidance as 12 people stared at me with that blank look suggesting their disapproval with my choice of language. That and wondering why my arms are straight in the air and why I am suddenly chewing the end of my tie with that look in my eyes that expresses the loss of one’s virginity or the first bite of some amazing pancakes. Is this for real? Did Deloss “God of all that is Athletic Directorship” Dodds really pull this off? Who needs Christmas presents now?
There are plenty of nay-sayers analyzing the overall situation. They mainly wear maroon or crimson red but the reality is that this might be the biggest move that the Texas football program has ever made. How do you plan to succeed the greatest coach in your program’s history? Well, hell, let’s hire possibly the next best young Head Coach out there in Coach Boom. Sound familiar, Darrel Royal-era Longhorns? What this hire does is remove the possibility of a long difficult search for a DC, an eventual long difficult search for the next head coach at Texas, and the possibility that the program will ever be run any differently. Basically, we are doing everything possible to avoid the Aggie scenario. Will will have the opportunity to absorb the Mack Brown policy like rice does hot water and will eventually utilize his personal excitement to continue to bring top-level talent to the family that this group has created. Sure, there is bias in this statement but folks, you are witnessing the orchestration of what has become the greatest sports program in all of college sports. Deloss, you are the Messiah of Athletic Administration. We salute you in your incredible efforts and yes, I did eventually pee a little. The embarrassment and a new not-so-PC nickname were worth it. Hook ‘EM! Beat A&M!
Florida is the fastest team on the planet and has the ability to turn a game from an actual competition into what is seemingly a battle between 160lb. me and Ray Lewis. I think that we can all agree that if the National Championship were played tomorrow, we would be looking forward to a God thanking acceptance speech by Tim Tebow. He would then blow a kiss to the sky, point at mom, head back to the locker room, and begin making his preparations to sign a giant NFL contract for his position of clipboard holder/play send-in guy. This is not a prediction, dedicated readers, this is simply an honest look into our not so distant future.
Random thoughts:
How badly are you rooting for Syracuse (girls lacrosse team pretending to play football) to beat Notre Dame this weekend? No, really, try to quantify it. It’s like trying to describe how much you love the smell of bacon being cooked or how much you hate that guy who wears sunglasses in the supermarket.
Baylor beat Texas A&M. By 20 points! Remember that dream when you showed up to high school wearing nothing but your Dawson’s Creek boxers. This is worse.
The Big East champion belongs in a BCS bowl like Sarah Palin belongs at a Private Country Club. “No, we don’t have Keystone” said the puzzled bartender. “No, the golf ball collector cannot be used as target practice.” I could go all day.
Turner Gill will be the next head coach at Syracuse…and will fail. In other Syracuse news, Donovan McNabb will hold an off-season QB camp dedicated to Rule Compliance, specifically focusing on what the term, “Sudden Death” means.
One of these teams will disappear after this weekend as the Apple Cup (Who sucks more A$$ Bowl) takes place in the great state of Washington:
Washington Huskies
Washington State Cougars
North Texas Mean Green
1. Texas Tech 10-0- Mike Leach is spending the week off roaming around campus wearing an eye patch and mumbling about the Swashbuckling abilities of Michael Crabtree. This guy built the best team in the country? Now, I know how the NBA feels about Doc Rivers.
2. Florida 9-1- Like when David approached Goliath, every team who stares down the Gators from the other side of the field has the same thought process: “Well, shit. This can’t end good.”
3. Alabama 11-0- The talent is there for a championship two years from now but the unfortunate reality is that you need a QB to win the title. Thus, this season is a no go.
4. Texas 10-1- Let’s just keep telling ourselves that we are not, not one bit, cheering for Oklahoma. We are rooting for a Tech loss. So when Bradford goes to Iglesias for a 40 yard touchdown and we are jumping up and down in our living rooms to the tune of “Boomer Sooner”, we are expressing excitement for the lack of defense shown by Tech, not for the OU touchdown. Ready, break.
5. Oklahoma 9-1- Hey, know what would be great? How about…
6. USC 9-1- See, here I thought ESPN just signed an agreement with the SEC, not Pete Carroll. Yet they still take every opportunity to grossly exaggerate meaningless Pac 10 victories. What is this spell that Magic Pete has over Kirk Herbstreit and Jesse Palmer?
7. Utah 11-0- Does anyone else feel like Utah’s involvement in the BCS is the equivalent to a Mormon at an AA meeting?
8. Penn State 10-1- Note to the Nittany Lion players: Play this game like you are playing it for your parents, or your grandparents or your future sons, something. Just don’t lose to Michigan State for God’s sake. We would love to not have to endure SC v. OSU 2. Rocky V was bad enough.
9. Boise State 10-0- Is Ian Johnson in his ninth year of eligibility?
10. Ohio State 9-2- After hanging 40 on Michigan, the Bucks get to prepare for the Outback Bowl. Yay!
11. Oklahoma State 9-2- Hey, know what would be awesome?
12. Georgia 9-2- The book was out on the Bulldogs 3 games into the season but they didn’t have to full-on cash it in. Barely beating Kentucky doesn’t help the Bowl selection committee much. Just sayin’.
13. Missouri 9-2- Hey, you guys are still here?
14. BYU 10-1- Cougars vs. Utes rivalry? How about “Sober Bowl?” Thoughts?
15. Michigan State 9-2- Hey, great idea: When you have a great running back and Offensive line, play-action can be extremely effective. Jesus, it’s not like we’re asking you to switch to the A-11 or anything. (Speaking of which, if you haven’t already, Youtube the A-11 Offense. Several teams in California run it and it is the craziest thing you have ever seen: 3-4 Offensive Lineman and the rest? Receivers.)
16. TCU 9-2- The Frogs will most likely finish 10-2 with their only losses coming to top 10 teams and they will end up in a useless bowl against a #4 or #5 team from a major conference whom they will destroy. Now, tell me, what is wrong with the BCS?
17. Ball State 10-0- The quality of wins suggests this placement. They are a MAC TEAM!
18. Cincinnati 8-2- The joke is that this team or Pitt is going to play in a BCS game as the Big East Champion and one of the top 3 Big XII teams will have to settle for the Cotton Bowl. Yep, the system is flawless.
19. LSU 7-3- Losing a few games simply allows LSU students to justify missing the entire second half of a game due to over exposure to Moonshine. Those of us who reside outside of the state of Louisiana would call it alcohol poisoning.
20. Oregon State 7-3- Rose Bowl? Really? You mean, like, the parade? No, the Bowl game? But, you’re not USC.
21. Pitt 7-2- Big East Championships in football these days are like Mountain West championships in basketball. No one really cares and most of us can’t even name all of the teams in the conference.
22. Miami 7-3- Randy Shannon has done an amazing job with this team. No one in his right mind thought this team has a snow ball’s chance in Phoenix to compete for another two years or so but the recruiting efforts and discipline of this coach have resonated amongst this team like a Barack Obama speech in any state west of Kansas. And he is doing it without the usual Miami team functions such as robbery, coke dealing and Tranny pimping. Amazing.
23. Maryland 7-3- Oh, look, yet another ACC team to bust into the Top 25 only to lose a game they shouldn’t and bow out accordingly. It’s starting to get a little repetitive, fellas.
24. Oregon 8-3- Take away the injuries and this team only has one loss to the eventual conference champ, USC. Yes, that’s right. If you think the Ducks are going to let the Civil War game be Oregon State’s ticket into the Rose Bowl, you know nothing of Oregon football. Sidenote, guys we’re done with the tire tread on the shoulder pads. I know the Marketing team had an hilarious time putting that altogether in photoshop and then panicked when they realized that they forgot to remove the tread but the joke has gone far enough.
25. North Carolina 7-3- Butch Davis refuting the Tennessee job tells you several things. A) He realizes that it is much harder to compete in the SEC than it is the ACC. B) As long as he gets into bowl games at UNC, he will never be sent to the AD’s office to explain a 4 loss season. C) He apparently doesn’t like money, or coon skin caps, or shotguns, or Day-Glo orange, or America.
As requested, here are the Top 4 GP Heisman picks headed into the last couple of weeks (in order):
Graham Harrell
Colt McCoy
Sam Bradford
Michael Crabtree
Miami at Georgia Tech
Michigan State at Penn State
BYU at Utah
Pitt at Cincinnati
Oregon State at Arizona
Florida State at Maryland
Texas Tech at Oklahoma
The Grayson Publication is copyrighted and may not be distributed for profit unless otherwise authorized by ownership.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
GP.2008.12
The Renegade College Football Newsletter
Look, I like Joe Paterno just as much as anybody and I would love to see him hobble up to the podium next that Crystal trophy, salivating, and longing for creamed corn…but just like the rest of you that aren’t Big Ten pumpers, I was thanking the almighty for the Penn State loss at Iowa. Why? Because Big Ten football is like Girls’ soccer this season. Because I would rather watch two middle of the road ACC teams go head to head than catch a run-at-all-cost offense try to penetrate a slow defense that loads the line on every play. Because watching rednecks drive billboards around in circles is more appealing than 90% of last week’s conference match-ups. The Big Ten lacks speed in masses and any inkling of ingenuity. Spread HD? The only thing I am seeing in high definition on the field at State College is Urban Meyer’s offense from 7 years ago and the crater-like pores on the players’ faces. If Penn State was the juggernaut we were all begging them to be this year, the Iowa loss would be devastating. Instead, it is justice for a conference that seems to be about five years behind the rest of the country. Terrelle Pryor will welcome you all to the future. Enjoy it. We in the Big XII and the SEC have been living in it for half of a decade.
The inevitable matchup of the best from the Big XII vs. the best from the SEC is shaping up to be, potentially, one of the greatest championship battles of our time. Think Texas over SC in 2005 only with entire conferences hanging on the brink awaiting their opportunity to claim bragging rights. All things considered, the five teams vying for the opportunity to go spleen hunting against the opposition stand about even at this point. Well, maybe not Bama. Texas, Tech, and Oklahoma would all present amazing problems for the potential SEC opponents in the same ways. We’re all 18 year-old star quarterbacks. We look good on camera, girls like us, we score quick (wink), we make huge mistakes (Blake Gideon), we wink, we get away with anything and everything (douchey high-five), we don’t snuggle and we don’t call afterwards. We’re dangerous.
Florida and Alabama, on the other hand, are two very different teams. Florida approaches our role model status but they are the Chance Mock to our Chris Simms. They are the cock strong, not so pretty version of us that can blow a mediocre team out one week and struggle against another one the next. The Tide are a mystery. They are the handicapped kid from high school with the G.I. Joe backpack who randomly barks at people as they stare in the hallway. Innocently asking if anyone has seen his baseball in one minute and the next, this scrappy beast will unleash unparalleled strength on any who oppose it; removing limbs from flesh and tossing them in the air to celebrate victory while dancing around to Bell Biv Devoe’s “Poison” playing in his head. Yes, I took my medication today.
The reality is, and we all seem to agree here, that Alabama can’t (and won’t) beat Florida. Not at home, not at a neutral sight, not in middle earth, and not in Gainesville. The Gators are destined for another appearance in the national championship game. Let’s see if we can do what the Buckeyes failed to do two seasons ago: Compete.
For football junkies like myself, it is actually pretty exciting to know that we will get our own version of the Toilet Bowl this season when Washington and Wazzu take the field for the Apple Cup. It has gotten so bad in Pullman, recruits are actually opting to go to Idaho.
Washington Huskies
Washington State Cougars
North Texas Mean Green
1. Texas Tech 10-0- A buddy of mine; let’s call him MB; shared with me this summer that his Red Raiders were to be the Big XII toast. I laughed in his drunk little face and reminded him of the history of mediocrity that we had all become accustomed to out of Lubbock. We discussed the shortcomings of Hodges, the concussions of Kliff Kingsbury, and “the Chance Mock game.” (Wow, two Mock references in one issue. When will that ever happen again?) Hat is off, buddy. I had no idea they would be the Big XII’s version of Megatron. After pulling our pants down in the last second to reveal an assless jock strap, old Red Raider did what to Okie Lite what just about every bartender in Hollywood has done to Lindsay Lohan. Mike “I’s hammered drunk” Leach has positioned this team for the unthinkable: A Big XII championship. Yes, Tech fans; in athletics. Not Beer Pong, not washers, not most sand collected or beer consumed before 10 am. In athletics! That is, of course, if old Leachy can figure out how to beat the old Boss in Norman. My God, I can’t believe I am about to say this, Go Sooners…and I just threw up.
2. Alabama 10-0- Just don’t go and pull a Penn State on us. We really do want to care about the SEC Championship game.
3. Florida 8-1- In evaluating the past four years, I am left wondering how many championships that Urban Meyer’s contract with Satan stipulates. It’s either that or God seriously loves Trucker hats, wife beater t-shirts, and Emmitt Smith.
4. Texas 9-1- I guess we can all be glad that Colt chose Baylor as the game where he would allow himself to play like a pissed off teenager. I am not talking about the two picks. I really don’t blame either on him. I am talking about the 104 mph balls he was throwing to Quan and Ship from five yards away when there wasn’t a defender within 8 yards. I am also talking about the four “draws” that he chose where he put his head and shoulders down to take hits rather than slide or head out of bounds. It was clear (and AWESOME) to see that Colt took the Tech loss personally and he was, well, PISSED! When Opie gets pissed, everybody gets pissed, and opposing receivers get their heads cracked. This has to continue over the next several weeks with poll-driving victories needed over Kansas and Aggie. Let’s just say SCREW IT and hang 60 on Mangino and Sherm. Hell, I don’t even like those guys.
5. Oklahoma 9-1- Don’t make me say it again.
6. USC 8-1- You thought you had a chance to get into the Championship game again? Even with a loss against a mediocre team in one of the worst conferences in all of college football? That’s cute.
7. Utah 10-0- Dammit TCU! Now we have to listen to the whimpering and whining of yet another non-BCS team rambling on about how they deserve respect and deserve to be in contention for the title. Lord! This team couldn’t hold Tebow’s spit cup or Colt’s bible. Put them in the Fiesta Bowl against Pitt so they can win over a “real” team and feel better about themselves.
8. Penn State 9-1- How awesome will it be to see Joe take the Lions into the Rose Bowl to face USC in what should be his last game. At the conclusion of that game, regardless of the score, when Joe is hoisted up on the Penn State players’ shoulders because he is both awesome and old, there won’t be a dry eye in College Football Nation. Go Joe!
9. Boise State 9-0- When Chris Peterson leaves for Washington, is Boise State finally done?
10. Georgia 8-2- Guys, don’t worry. The Cotton Bowl has like 92,000 seats now and the neighborhood is actually somewhat improved from it’s previous South-Central LA feel. No need to even bring the shotguns.
11. Ohio State 8-2- Did you notice how we stopped caring after the Penn State game?
12. Missouri 8-2- Chase Daniel has a faux-hawk, sometimes wears a skull cap, sports a pencil beard, and is a Mega Douche. He also hangs with Warren Buffett. Conclusion- Warren Buffett is a rich Mega Douche. Wait, isn’t this supposed to be about football?
13. Oklahoma State 8-2- That irregular form in your backside is what we refer to as a mudhole. They are generally stomped into your ass when you are completely outmatched.
14. Ball State 10-0- This is still happening? The MAC is still considered Division I?
15. Michigan State 9-2- It sucks to be the team that has truly overachieved in an overrated conference only to be rewarded with the Alamo Bowl at the end of the season. Have fun getting crushed by whichever poor bastard Big XII team ends up here with you!
16. North Carolina 7-2- Next week’s headline in the Chapel Hill paper: “Seven UNC Students’ brains spontaneously explode at the thought of having to care about football during basketball season.” Right next to this headline: “Excedrin new official sponsor of the month of November in the state of North Carolina.”
17. BYU 9-1- Max Hall is the new Steve Young. There, I said it.
18. TCU 9-2- I am so wicked pissed at you, Gary. Leaving the offense on the bus to warm the seats for your precious Defense was a horrible idea. Almost as bad as the time we let Jake finish a fifth of Gin before a cow tipping expedition. When you watch a friend try to tip a bovine for a lap dance, you feel like you have seen everything.
19. Florida State 7-2- Is it me or does Bobby Bowden look like he smells like bourbon and peppermints? I don’t how but this guy is winning with some of the most unproven talent he has ever had. It is incredible to watch this team blunder itself into victories.
20. Pitt 7-2- This team, sitting at 20, is going to win the Big East and thus play in a BCS game. For those who aren’t already ripping their hair out over this notion, I will repeat…
21. LSU 6-3- Remember when you had a quarterback? Those were good times.
22. South Carolina 7-3- Spurrier cracks the Top 25 just in time to be staring down the barrels of the Gatlin gun that is Florida.
23. Cincinnati 7-2- What exactly is a Bearkat, anyway? Is this some mythical creature dreamt up by a bored kid from Ohio who wanted to develop a manimal that could potentially protect the entire human race from all evils?
24. Tulsa 8-1- Todd Graham has maybe two more seasons here before the big schools start throwing Mercedes full of cash at his doorstep. Want a prediction? How about Mike Leach to Washington and Todd Graham to Tech?
25. Wake Forest 6-3- This spot is a toss up to about eight different under achievers and I just like Jim Grobe. I like his musk.
Look, I like Joe Paterno just as much as anybody and I would love to see him hobble up to the podium next that Crystal trophy, salivating, and longing for creamed corn…but just like the rest of you that aren’t Big Ten pumpers, I was thanking the almighty for the Penn State loss at Iowa. Why? Because Big Ten football is like Girls’ soccer this season. Because I would rather watch two middle of the road ACC teams go head to head than catch a run-at-all-cost offense try to penetrate a slow defense that loads the line on every play. Because watching rednecks drive billboards around in circles is more appealing than 90% of last week’s conference match-ups. The Big Ten lacks speed in masses and any inkling of ingenuity. Spread HD? The only thing I am seeing in high definition on the field at State College is Urban Meyer’s offense from 7 years ago and the crater-like pores on the players’ faces. If Penn State was the juggernaut we were all begging them to be this year, the Iowa loss would be devastating. Instead, it is justice for a conference that seems to be about five years behind the rest of the country. Terrelle Pryor will welcome you all to the future. Enjoy it. We in the Big XII and the SEC have been living in it for half of a decade.
The inevitable matchup of the best from the Big XII vs. the best from the SEC is shaping up to be, potentially, one of the greatest championship battles of our time. Think Texas over SC in 2005 only with entire conferences hanging on the brink awaiting their opportunity to claim bragging rights. All things considered, the five teams vying for the opportunity to go spleen hunting against the opposition stand about even at this point. Well, maybe not Bama. Texas, Tech, and Oklahoma would all present amazing problems for the potential SEC opponents in the same ways. We’re all 18 year-old star quarterbacks. We look good on camera, girls like us, we score quick (wink), we make huge mistakes (Blake Gideon), we wink, we get away with anything and everything (douchey high-five), we don’t snuggle and we don’t call afterwards. We’re dangerous.
Florida and Alabama, on the other hand, are two very different teams. Florida approaches our role model status but they are the Chance Mock to our Chris Simms. They are the cock strong, not so pretty version of us that can blow a mediocre team out one week and struggle against another one the next. The Tide are a mystery. They are the handicapped kid from high school with the G.I. Joe backpack who randomly barks at people as they stare in the hallway. Innocently asking if anyone has seen his baseball in one minute and the next, this scrappy beast will unleash unparalleled strength on any who oppose it; removing limbs from flesh and tossing them in the air to celebrate victory while dancing around to Bell Biv Devoe’s “Poison” playing in his head. Yes, I took my medication today.
The reality is, and we all seem to agree here, that Alabama can’t (and won’t) beat Florida. Not at home, not at a neutral sight, not in middle earth, and not in Gainesville. The Gators are destined for another appearance in the national championship game. Let’s see if we can do what the Buckeyes failed to do two seasons ago: Compete.
For football junkies like myself, it is actually pretty exciting to know that we will get our own version of the Toilet Bowl this season when Washington and Wazzu take the field for the Apple Cup. It has gotten so bad in Pullman, recruits are actually opting to go to Idaho.
Washington Huskies
Washington State Cougars
North Texas Mean Green
1. Texas Tech 10-0- A buddy of mine; let’s call him MB; shared with me this summer that his Red Raiders were to be the Big XII toast. I laughed in his drunk little face and reminded him of the history of mediocrity that we had all become accustomed to out of Lubbock. We discussed the shortcomings of Hodges, the concussions of Kliff Kingsbury, and “the Chance Mock game.” (Wow, two Mock references in one issue. When will that ever happen again?) Hat is off, buddy. I had no idea they would be the Big XII’s version of Megatron. After pulling our pants down in the last second to reveal an assless jock strap, old Red Raider did what to Okie Lite what just about every bartender in Hollywood has done to Lindsay Lohan. Mike “I’s hammered drunk” Leach has positioned this team for the unthinkable: A Big XII championship. Yes, Tech fans; in athletics. Not Beer Pong, not washers, not most sand collected or beer consumed before 10 am. In athletics! That is, of course, if old Leachy can figure out how to beat the old Boss in Norman. My God, I can’t believe I am about to say this, Go Sooners…and I just threw up.
2. Alabama 10-0- Just don’t go and pull a Penn State on us. We really do want to care about the SEC Championship game.
3. Florida 8-1- In evaluating the past four years, I am left wondering how many championships that Urban Meyer’s contract with Satan stipulates. It’s either that or God seriously loves Trucker hats, wife beater t-shirts, and Emmitt Smith.
4. Texas 9-1- I guess we can all be glad that Colt chose Baylor as the game where he would allow himself to play like a pissed off teenager. I am not talking about the two picks. I really don’t blame either on him. I am talking about the 104 mph balls he was throwing to Quan and Ship from five yards away when there wasn’t a defender within 8 yards. I am also talking about the four “draws” that he chose where he put his head and shoulders down to take hits rather than slide or head out of bounds. It was clear (and AWESOME) to see that Colt took the Tech loss personally and he was, well, PISSED! When Opie gets pissed, everybody gets pissed, and opposing receivers get their heads cracked. This has to continue over the next several weeks with poll-driving victories needed over Kansas and Aggie. Let’s just say SCREW IT and hang 60 on Mangino and Sherm. Hell, I don’t even like those guys.
5. Oklahoma 9-1- Don’t make me say it again.
6. USC 8-1- You thought you had a chance to get into the Championship game again? Even with a loss against a mediocre team in one of the worst conferences in all of college football? That’s cute.
7. Utah 10-0- Dammit TCU! Now we have to listen to the whimpering and whining of yet another non-BCS team rambling on about how they deserve respect and deserve to be in contention for the title. Lord! This team couldn’t hold Tebow’s spit cup or Colt’s bible. Put them in the Fiesta Bowl against Pitt so they can win over a “real” team and feel better about themselves.
8. Penn State 9-1- How awesome will it be to see Joe take the Lions into the Rose Bowl to face USC in what should be his last game. At the conclusion of that game, regardless of the score, when Joe is hoisted up on the Penn State players’ shoulders because he is both awesome and old, there won’t be a dry eye in College Football Nation. Go Joe!
9. Boise State 9-0- When Chris Peterson leaves for Washington, is Boise State finally done?
10. Georgia 8-2- Guys, don’t worry. The Cotton Bowl has like 92,000 seats now and the neighborhood is actually somewhat improved from it’s previous South-Central LA feel. No need to even bring the shotguns.
11. Ohio State 8-2- Did you notice how we stopped caring after the Penn State game?
12. Missouri 8-2- Chase Daniel has a faux-hawk, sometimes wears a skull cap, sports a pencil beard, and is a Mega Douche. He also hangs with Warren Buffett. Conclusion- Warren Buffett is a rich Mega Douche. Wait, isn’t this supposed to be about football?
13. Oklahoma State 8-2- That irregular form in your backside is what we refer to as a mudhole. They are generally stomped into your ass when you are completely outmatched.
14. Ball State 10-0- This is still happening? The MAC is still considered Division I?
15. Michigan State 9-2- It sucks to be the team that has truly overachieved in an overrated conference only to be rewarded with the Alamo Bowl at the end of the season. Have fun getting crushed by whichever poor bastard Big XII team ends up here with you!
16. North Carolina 7-2- Next week’s headline in the Chapel Hill paper: “Seven UNC Students’ brains spontaneously explode at the thought of having to care about football during basketball season.” Right next to this headline: “Excedrin new official sponsor of the month of November in the state of North Carolina.”
17. BYU 9-1- Max Hall is the new Steve Young. There, I said it.
18. TCU 9-2- I am so wicked pissed at you, Gary. Leaving the offense on the bus to warm the seats for your precious Defense was a horrible idea. Almost as bad as the time we let Jake finish a fifth of Gin before a cow tipping expedition. When you watch a friend try to tip a bovine for a lap dance, you feel like you have seen everything.
19. Florida State 7-2- Is it me or does Bobby Bowden look like he smells like bourbon and peppermints? I don’t how but this guy is winning with some of the most unproven talent he has ever had. It is incredible to watch this team blunder itself into victories.
20. Pitt 7-2- This team, sitting at 20, is going to win the Big East and thus play in a BCS game. For those who aren’t already ripping their hair out over this notion, I will repeat…
21. LSU 6-3- Remember when you had a quarterback? Those were good times.
22. South Carolina 7-3- Spurrier cracks the Top 25 just in time to be staring down the barrels of the Gatlin gun that is Florida.
23. Cincinnati 7-2- What exactly is a Bearkat, anyway? Is this some mythical creature dreamt up by a bored kid from Ohio who wanted to develop a manimal that could potentially protect the entire human race from all evils?
24. Tulsa 8-1- Todd Graham has maybe two more seasons here before the big schools start throwing Mercedes full of cash at his doorstep. Want a prediction? How about Mike Leach to Washington and Todd Graham to Tech?
25. Wake Forest 6-3- This spot is a toss up to about eight different under achievers and I just like Jim Grobe. I like his musk.
As requested, here are the Top 4 GP Heisman picks headed into the last couple of weeks (in order):
Graham Harrell
Colt McCoy
Sam Bradford
Michael Crabtree
Notre Dame vs. Navy
South Carolina at Florida
BYU at Air Force
Boston College at Florida State
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